Month: Apr 2023

The wildness of our true nature

/ sarahlissyjenkins / 18 Comments

During the early end of my teenage years I developed an affinity with horses. I was a lonely young girl with very few friends, and I spent most of my time reading and writing. However, at some point I was given a second hand bicycle, and I frequently cycled the mile or so to a large field on the outskirts of my village to see the horses who lived there. They seemed to recognise me, trotting over to the gate as soon as I appeared, eating grass from my outstretched palm. I was an avid reader of the magazine ‘Horse and Pony’ and had posters all over my bedroom wall.

Not long after this I asked my mum for riding lessons. She was usually happy to do whatever I wanted as long as it didn’t involve dealing with emotions. Sure enough, she agreed. She and my cousin who was around quite a lot at the time (cousin is a whole other issue) drove me to the local riding school and waited while I had my lesson. The first few were wonderful. I rode a palomino called Tilly and a grey called Cobweb. Occasionally I rode a larger chestnut called Lacey.

Only the second time I rode Lacey, disaster happened. She was temperamental and my nervous excited energy was probably too much for her. I was pulling at the bit and she took off. I only remember screaming and gripping onto the saddle as she galloped through the field at the back of the riding school. Finally, she charged through the stables where several instructors, including mine (not sure where she had even gone?!) managed to calm her down. I slid off the pony and down onto my knees. No one could believe I’d hung on. Sheer willpower I suppose.

My mum and cousin were still waiting in the car. They had seen everything. As I climbed in the back, my instructor looked through the window and said ‘I don’t know how you didn’t fall off, well done.’ My mum and cousin just looked at her. They didn’t say anything. I didn’t talk about it. But we all knew I wouldn’t be going back.

As frightening as that experience was, I saw something in those horses that I didn’t realise I had; the wildness and beauty of my own soul. I could envisage myself living in the field where I first made friends with those beautiful beings. I longed for the simplicity of such a life. To be honest, I still do.

As an adult I find it painful to talk about horses, not because of the experience at the stables but something I read about in the paper a few years ago which has stayed with me. I’m not going to write it here because it’s too painful to even do that, plus I wouldn’t want to inflict it on anyone else, but suffice to say it involves extreme suffering and cruelty, and there was a photo, which is even worse. It affected me so deeply that to this day I struggle to see a picture of a horse without thinking about what I read. I even wake up during the night sometimes thinking about it.

I am writing this post today to connect with the beauty that horses symbolised in my childhood; their innocence, purity, grace, as well as their power and majesticity, that made me feel at home in ways I didn’t with my blood family. I knew their hearts and mine were ultimately the same. Even Lacey, bless her, who was probably scared witless of me poking her about and longing to break free.

As souls, we all want to break free. We long to live in love, free of cruelty and suffering. Despite the sadness in the world, we each have the capacity to remember our true nature – beautiful, wild, and free.

Book Review: 11/5

/ sarahlissyjenkins / 2 Comments

It’s not often that I post book reviews, but I’m writing this for a friend who has published his first novel ’11/5′. Based on real life experiences, it’s a beautiful, heartfelt account of the perils of forming a connection with someone over email before travelling abroad and starting an exciting long distance romance. For a time, things seemed perfect. But everything is not as it appears.

Thomas had always felt different and longed for a likeminded, sensitive soul to share his life, and for a time it seemed that Elisa was the perfect girl. Vibrant, funny, she was everything Thomas wanted. He was certainly everything SHE wanted. Okay so she had a difficult past, she was unpredictable, but he understood. He wanted to be with her, no matter what. Didn’t he?

Through the novel we experience the deep connection between the two characters over email; intense, vulnerable and passionate. I was braced for the moment Thomas and Elisa met, keen to find out how the in IRL chemistry would be and whether they could build on what they’d already built online to form a lasting relationship despite the distance – and Elisa’s rocky past.

I felt the novel was a very moving portrayal of how hard it can be to find the right person to share a life and navigate the complicated waters of traumatic pasts and present expectations. I could relate so deeply to the desire for a companion to share my life but feeling overwhelmed, doubting my feelings and perceptions, often wondering if I’d rather just be on my own. The author is also an HSP (highly sensitive person) and spiritually minded, and I believe if it’s harder for those of us who are more self-aware to truly fit in when it comes to relationships, or indeed anywhere else!

The author’s native language is German and his written English is not perfect; however, I find this makes the novel even more readable. He has a very unique, chatty style which engaged me from the first page. The title and illustration depict a sense of anticipation and urgency which is carried throughout.

I wish the author well with his novel. I’ll definitely be looking out for more from him!

The quest for happiness and finding peace

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Yesterday I was reading one of my journals from 2008, in which I wrote:

“Everything is like an endless struggle -wanting happiness but never really getting there “

I believed that happiness was waiting for me ‘out there’ in some distant place or state of being. It made complete sense given the fact I was caring for my severely disabled and very challenging 7 year old son while being extremely unwell myself. The situation was unbearable. While social services had thrown all the help they could at us, I was barely surviving. I wanted my life – as I knew it – to be over. Whilst I did go into some very dark places, I had enough presence of mind to know that I didn’t actually want to die. I didn’t want to leave my child. I wanted to be happy, I just didn’t know what it was or where to find it.

I didn’t realise then that happiness does not exist in some other place or even necessarily in the present moment because – if we’re honest – many people’s present moments are absolutely horrible. And while they may help, quite often no amount of shifting perceptions or affirmations or prayers change the realities that some people are unfortunate enough to have to endure. I tried all of them. I thought if I was spiritual enough my situation would improve: I’d recover, my son’s behaviour would become manageable, and I’d finally be happy. What I now realise is that it was never really happiness I was after in the first place; it was inner peace.

Happiness is a temporary state that usually depends on external circumstances. Inner peace goes deeper. It’s our true state, existing beyond shifting thoughts and emotions and circumstances. If the self was a lake, happiness and other temporary emotions would be the ripples that come and go, subject to disturbances such as stones and twigs and boats, whilst inner peace is its depth.

When we go deeper, we realise that the present moment truly is the holy grail because it is only when we stop and pay attention to the now that we tune into the stillness of the lake that exists within us. We are no longer being thrown around at the complete mercy of what life throws at us. Whilst outer circumstances may be dreadful and cause immense pain and apparently endless suffering, we know that the strength and magnificence that lies within us is truly endless.

Moreover, when we connect to the stillness within, we access our Divine truth. We don’t see our thoughts and perceptions as the ultimate reality because we have experienced a greater reality. We will have the wisdom to know whether we can and should change the situation we are in, or whether to walk away, or there is nothing to be done but tap into the Divine power of acceptance.

This is far from easy. In my case, it took me seven more years before I reached rock bottom and realised what Divine wisdom was asking of me. It went so against the grain of what I, my ex, and indeed society, thought a mother should be. I was brought to my knees and you know what the saying goes – if life brings you to your knees, pray. Well I was so angry at God that I neglected my spiritual path for quite a few years. I didn’t understand why I was so ill, why I had a child with such difficulties, why my life had to be so hard. I still feel the pain. I had to make a very tough decision that affected me and those around me for many years. I felt immense guilt for a long time but it was the only decision I could have made.

I’m not in the terrible situation I was back then; in fact my outer life is quite peaceful all in all, only my thoughts and emotions cause disturbance. I am not always happy but I understand that happiness was never something to gain; it is something we experience at times, if we are fortunate. Being in touch with our natural state can inform our thoughts, emotions, and experiences for the better, but sometimes circumstances just hurt. In such times I remember the calm lake that is my true Divine nature and know that whatever disturbs me in life, I am safe. I connect deeply with my inner self, and I am at peace.

Self mastery, inner power, and justice

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I wish I had the energy to write about all my tarot spreads but I’ve been struggling with a flare up of my health condition recently and had to take a step back from a lot of things. However, today’s spread is so fascinating that I just had to say something. I’m trying not to get caught in interpreting my spread too rationally and instead come from a place of intuition. The temptation can be to overthink it, especially as a beginner. But as soon as I pulled today’s cards I thought ‘wow’ and listened to my heart.

This spread is about self mastery. It points to ownership of my inner power. I am in touch with both sides of my nature – masculine and feminine- and I understand and work with my thoughts (swords) and emotions (cups). I have a good balance between emotions and rationality, or at least the potential is there to achieve this, and consequently I will experience greater intuition and creativity in my life. I am slowly feeling more stable in the midst of my emotional storms and know they will pass.

The minor arcana are positioned around one major arcana – The World – which represents completion and fulfilment. I am integrating all aspects of my being- the light and the dark. The fool is holding the wands of both of magician and the chariot – indicating that I have reached a place where I can embrace my inner power, which emerges from my soul, and willpower, which stems from the ego.

It is interesting that the Justice card is the over-riding one in this spread. Justice is concerned with morality and fairness, particularly on the physical plane, and the need to act in accordance with one’s greater good. A shadow aspect to this card is the fixation on life being unfair, especially in the case of a very challenging life, and I have my share of complaints. I think this card is reminding me that life IS fair and just in ways I do not understand, but my soul does, and I can choose to hold the vision of my greatest good in everything I do. In addition, it is a reminder to stay balanced and aware even in the face of great personal struggle.

The power of human kindness

/ sarahlissyjenkins / 4 Comments

In case anyone ever doubted it, even the most small acts of kindness make a real difference.

Years ago as a sixteen year old I went on holiday with my mum. It was a particularly painful holiday for me because I had to break up early for the summer break at college and miss a final week with a teacher who I was deeply attached to. Also, while away, I became very sick with some sort of bug, or possibly sun stroke, and ended up vomiting for a couple of days. Then, on the final day, my mum got very ratty with me although I can’t remember the details of this (probably blocked it out) only that it may have been over having little money as we were poor, albeit still had enough to scrape a summer holiday, but she blamed our financial situation on my father, just like she blamed everything on him.

My mum’s emotional state always affected me horribly, and I developed a severe headache while waiting in the hotel for our pick up bus to take us to the airport for our return flight. By the time we reached the airport and were standing in the queue for check in, I had a full blown migraine.

My mum was no good in these situations. As an adult myself, I now know that it wasn’t that she didn’t care; she just had little or no emotional energy left for me. She had depression while I was growing up, understandably given the circumstances we lived in, and her focus was on survival (and blaming my dad for everything). She has always been strong and resilient which serves her well now in terms of her ailing health, but back then her determination to plough on and give no time and attention to her emotions meant that she had little patience for her very sensitive and introspective youngest daughter (me).

I can’t remember what she said or did, only that she was sharp with me, and I went and sat on a seat in the centre of the airport where I could see the line of people queuing. I had my head in my hands. The pain was horrific. I’m not sure what was worse, the physical agony of the migraine or the sadness weighing on me. I can’t remember how long I sat there but at some point a man came over, sat with me, and asked if I was okay. I told him I had a bad headache. He went off to get me some painkillers and water.

Such a simple gesture but I still remember this 28 years later. It sticks in my mind because the loneliness I felt then – the disconnect from my mum and not being able to spend the final week with the teacher who I’d formed an emotional bond with – was debilitating. I didn’t even realise at the time how lonely I was because such devastating feelings are too much to process when the support structure isn’t there. A total stranger reached out and helped me when I most needed an act of kindness. That is why so many years later it still touches me.

Never underestimate a small act of kindness like this. It can absolutely make a difference, however insignificant it seems to be. One can never know how much it might be needed in ways that go beyond the surface. Knowing someone cares is the most powerful thing of all.

An ode to journal

/ sarahlissyjenkins / 2 Comments

Starting in childhood, I’ve been a prolific diary and journal writer, filling out pages upon pages with introspections and often deep emotional pain. I’ve kept them all. I rarely read back over them as I’ll be honest, most are horrifically painful to read, and easily send me back into a dark place. But neither can I throw them away. Sometimes I wonder whether holding onto them is the right thing to do and all I’m doing is clinging onto a past that has gone. Surely I should be willing to let them go, like everything else? The truth is that I can’t. The journals are the voice of the child, and later the teenager, who had virtually nothing and no one else, and to throw them away feels like dismissing her strength and courage to be her own person even when she felt invisible to the world.

It’s an interesting dilemma though and I often ponder how I’d feel if the journals were taken from me. Would I be devastated or relieved? Would I feel lighter and more present to my day to day self or as if I’d lost a part of me? The time may come when I won’t feel the need to keep them anymore because what they represented has become fully alive inside the self that I now am. In truth, I’m already there, but for now I am honouring the child through their presence.

Waking up (Time Warp)

/ sarahlissyjenkins / 3 Comments

The other day a random thought popped up: What if I suddenly woke up and my entire life had never really happened? What if it was…just a dream.

This is not a new idea of course. As the song goes ‘life is but a dream.’ Even Shakespeare said ‘All the world’s a stage. And all the men and women are merely players.’

But truth has great timing and I felt its presence in my heart as the thought swirled around my head.

It was a reminder that the past has gone and only the memories exist in my mind.

It showed me that I create my life in this moment because I am awake.

When I was asleep, well that’s fair enough, no one can be expected to take charge when they are unconscious. How could they? I couldn’t. Jesus said; ‘They know not what they do.’

And yes, I go back to sleep from time to time, as most of us do, I recognise that and hold compassion for my sleeping self.

I also know my story IS important because it is the unique circumstances through which my soul incarnated to experience this life and ultimately awaken from.

My experiences matter because they provide the journey and the wisdom and the bridge to other people.

My life has not gone the way I wished and I hold compassion for that pain. To devalue it would be an act against the self.

But I am here. Life is now. It isn’t thirty years ago, a decade ago or even five minutes ago. Time is not an objective reality.

The night after having that profound thought I woke up from a dream with the song ‘Time Warp’ in my head. As most people probably know, it comes from the opera ‘Rocky Horror Show.’

How ironic! I could say my life has been its own kind of horror show. Some people would feel that modern society, or even life on this planet, is the same. Suffering is abound. No one can escape it….or can they?

It is so often said that the power is in the present. It doesn’t mean any past or present suffering suddenly disappears, although in some cases it does, especially if the suffering is internal rather than the result of external circumstances.

But on waking up, suffering is less, even if pain is more. There is no longer the clinging onto memories or perceptions as a way of being in the world. Instead it’s about being present to what is happening now, even if emotions or circumstances or both are utterly awful, and knowing all that exists is now and what needs dealing with is now.

That thought came into my head as a reminder that every single day I can wake up and know the past is done. Yes it hurt. I value what WAS, but it don’t allow it to change what IS.

*Image from quotefancy.com

Just the way it was

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Today was evidence that I’m in a very different place to how I was two weeks ago.

My son was in an awful mood when I visited. He was shouty, agitated and upset. No one ever knows why as there’s no obvious reason and of course he can’t tell us, so we put it down to one of those days. But he did appreciate my presence, or at least my bag of goodies. He grabbed the Easter egg, immediately tore the wrapper off and chomped down hard on the top, then proceeded to leave the egg for the time being and shred the box, which is one of his favourite activities of late.

I watched him, knowing he was being exactly who he is, and it was okay. I had no expectations of anything different. I didn’t experience any pain or sadness or longing whatsoever. It was just the way it was.

Soon after this his agitation grew so he disappeared into the toilet, which is his ‘safe place’ when he’s feeling overwhelmed. After ten minutes in there he came out yelling the word ‘shopping’ over and over, indicating that he wanted to go for a walk. I told the carers this was fine and that even though my taxi wasn’t picking me up for another half an hour, I was happy to just sit and wait if they wanted to go. I couldn’t go with them as I couldn’t walk very far. I hugged my son goodbye and told him I’d be back after Easter.

I sat in the lounge on my own waiting for difficult emotions to appear, but they didn’t. I felt okay with everything. I didn’t need to attach any reaction to any of it. I realised that I didn’t need anything from the situation. I didn’t need anything from my son in that moment. I just wanted to be there for him, give him his Easter egg, and I had done that.

I decided to see if I could get a taxi home any earlier. I was fine with waiting but the taxi arrived five minutes later. Small blessings seem so big when you don’t mind what happens.

A day in my life of feeling fine, that everything pans out in the way it’s going to, and I don’t need to take it personally at all, or hope or feel the need for anything different. I’ve done my bit and that is enough.

Inner child and new beginnings

/ sarahlissyjenkins / 2 Comments

I’ve been reading tarot for myself every day but haven’t had much chance to write about my spreads. Today’s spread is an especially interesting one to examine in depth because I feel in a completely different place to how I was last weekend when I was caught in the aftermath of Mother’s day grief. Today I’m happier, calmer, more connected to myself and to my son who I visited on Thursday and plan to visit again next week. Life feels…..okay. Spring is in the air. I’m taking care of myself and remembering that my emotional states are simply that….states, not a prescription for reality. Emotions are how we process our experiences and thoughts and have important information for us, but they are not who we are. They flow with intelligence and wisdom when we open to them without clinging and do not resist their input.

With this in mind, this was today’s spread:

Card 1: 6 of Cups

Card 2: Page of Cups

Card 3: 3 of Swords

Card 4: Ace of Cups

Add-on card: Queen of Pentacles

My first thought was what a lot of cups! The suit of Cups represents emotions, the unconscious, creativity, psychic development, which is very apt considering how emotional the last two weeks have been. I had to break the spread down to really see what it was saying.

The 6 of Cups is about nostalgia. It says that the past needs to be honoured for what it was and what I have learnt from it, but do not get stuck there. It is also an invitation to get in touch with my childlike energy and bring that forth into the present. Interestingly, I keep dreaming about babies which is very suggestive of this card and my need to nurture the child part of me. In a sense the grief over my son is also about my own inner child, particularly as I have been longing for another child of my own that will never be. Of course some of this longing is about motherhood, but it is also my soul reminding me that to become truly whole I need to be compassionate towards the younger version of myself whose needs were not met.

This makes the next card, Page of Cups, extremely relevant because the Page is all about the childlike version of ourselves! It is inviting me to explore my creative and emotional self and, most importantly, look after my inner child, be creative (a link to my post yesterday about the child part of me who knew I was a writer…until I grew up: https://wordpress.com/post/path-of-light.uk/857) and remain open to all possibilities in life; do not get lost in doubts or judgements.

Very interestingly, placed in between Page of Cups and Ace of Cups (which have similar meanings) is the 3 of Swords, which is about none other than grief. This card is a reminder that there is a time for mourning and healing, and the clouds will dissipate, but also to look at the root of the pain for sometimes it isn’t what we think it is. As above, it is not just my longing to be a mother again but a call from my wounded inner child who needs to be parented. This card can also be an invitation to examine how our thoughts are influencing our emotions and how we can look at a situation with a different perspective.

Finally, the Ace of Cups, like all aces, is about new beginnings; this time in my emotional life. It is a card of emotional contentment, joy, connection to self and others, and most importantly perhaps, self love. It may also mean repressed emotions which still need to be expressed but that positive times are ahead. It is a card of Wholeness, symbolised by the ace.

The add-on card at the end of the pack was the Queen of Pentacles, which is interesting as she’s a very practical Queen who is caring, nurturing, practical and grounded. This card may be saying that I need to be mindful to find a balance between emotions and practicality, particularly as I focus on healing my inner child; in this sense the Queen could indeed be the parent that I wish to embody because she is grounded in reality and provides for her loved ones without becoming overly emotional. A hard balance to find, to be sure. She is the very manifestation of security and abundance, showing me what is possible in this life, not necessarily literally but on a soul level, as I continue to grow and heal.

I am still very much a beginner but I love reading the ‘story’ of the cards and how this may be relevant to my energies in the moment. It is so important to remember that energies, such as emotions, are always fluid, so the cards do not necessarily prescribe what will happen in the future; the truth is there is no future: there is only now. What they do is provide a window into the unconscious so we are more aware of what we may be experiencing or projecting in this moment. We may then have more insight into the choices we wish to make or the experiences we are having to live a more conscious and fulfilling life.