Month: May 2023

/ sarahlissyjenkins / 2 Comments
Daily writing prompt
What are you good at?
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This is a weighted question for me. I would say, overall, I am good at being honest with myself, but that has a flip side. I am very self-aware, which is mainly a good thing, but without some discernment it is easy to fall into the trap of becoming too intimate with my faults. Seeing and learning from my faults is a good thing. Judging and criticising them is not. In fact, when I criticise myself I have succumed to the past conditioning which created an image of myself as worthless and a failure. The thoughts quickly turn into the familiar narrative of how it’s pointless trying because I’m so useless and before I know it I’m back there again – hurting.

But I can see it. And this is my gift.

As a child, I saw how people’s minds and emotions worked. I wrote stories about them. I had not developed a full self image at that point. I was in touch with my intuition. I wrote to God and made characters express the feelings that I was unable to. I didn’t think about or analyse anything, it just flowed from me like a river from Source. It was only after I was forced to change schools at age ten that it all went wrong. And of course, age ten is pretty pivotal in terms of ego development. I’m talking here of healthy ego or personality development, when we learn who we are in the world, what we like, what we want.

I started the new school a shell of the child I had been previously. I was scared due to what was happening at home and school was no longer a refuge. I was socially anxious and had been removed from everyone I knew. The kids didn’t know what to make of me. In typical kid-style, they took the mickey. A year later I started secondary school, still friendless. The bullying started. I had always been an introvert but now I was completely withdrawn and scared of people. So rather than developing a healthy personality, I saw myself as an idiot who nobody liked.

I have already written about the sadness around my writing when I started university so I won’t repeat it again. Suffice to say, I suffered a lot through school but writing became an outlet for my emotions and something I considered myself to be good at, until I lost faith in that too. But now, as an adult in my forties, I see and understand that writing was not something that belonged to me; instead it flowed from me, and it’s not something that can be lost, just like the essence of who I was as a child cannot be lost. In a way I have become full circle; I am integrating what the child in me knew with the maturity of age and the challenges I have faced, and realising that what I believed about myself at school was an illusion.

Self-awareness is a gift. Writing is my offering. It is my joy, my passion, and I still like to believe I am ‘good’ at it because that is something that matters to me. In writing, I understand my story, discern my faults, see where I am caught. In writing, I allow the beauty of Divine love to channel through me, remind me I am okay as I am. There is a balance. There is always a balance.

The invincible summer of the soul

/ sarahlissyjenkins / 4 Comments

The above quote is my absolute favourite. No matter how many times I’ve seen and heard it, it still brings tears to my eyes. My soul resonates so strongly with its meaning that the mere words are literally sunshine to my heart. I am a summer person in every way possible and to me everything good is associated with summer. I appreciate my perspective may not be shared with those who feel happiest in winter, but either way I hope you can change the words to your preference and take something beautiful from its meaning.

The other day I was sitting out in the – relatively rare! – hot UK Sun feeling the heat on my skin and sensing the golden rays behind my closed eyelids. I felt like I was bathed in the glorious beauty of Love itself. Joy radiated from me. I felt like the Sun was washing away all my sadness and pain and I was emerging into a new version of myself. As is the wisdom of the seasons, if we take time to tune into them and really understand – not with the mind, but with the heart. Nature speaks an eternal truth: we are reborn in Love, every millisecond of every day; our Divinity shines with the Sun and the clouds of despair, horror and illusion will pass by. Only what remains is real – the invincible summer of the soul.

That night I woke up with this beautiful song in my head. With gratitude I played it several times the following day:

/ sarahlissyjenkins / 2 Comments
Daily writing prompt
Have you ever broken a bone?
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Yes, my right leg when I was a year old. How it happened is shrouded in mystery because, as with all my early childhood, no one openly talks about it. What my mother dripped into conversation over the years is that I slipped from her arms at the bottom of the stairs. I asked my oldest sister about it once, when I was about 11 years old and staying with her (which I hated; she didn’t want me there). She is 14 years older than me. In answer to my question, she said ‘What are you thinking about that for?’ making a clear point that I should not be thinking or talking about it. I took the hint and never mentioned it again.

I don’t believe that there is any sinister explanation for my broken leg. Rather, the secrecy around it is typical of the atmosphere I absorbed into my very being as a child, knowing that there were ‘things’ that were hinted at, dropped into the conversation, but I wasn’t allowed to ask about. Another example is when my mother asked my father to move out (after years of not wanting me to speak to him, despite us all living in the same house). My mother was complaining about him to me, something she always did (and continued to do until his death), so I wasn’t taking much notice as I hated it when she did that anyway, and she suddenly muttered under her breath ‘getting a divorce.’ I said ‘No!’ and she simply said ‘Yes, I can’t take anymore.’ And that was that. A few days later my father told me that my mother had asked him to move out. He asked me whether I wanted him to go. All I could say was ‘I don’t mind.’ Truly awful words. But such was the fear of speaking my truth in that household. Indeed, the fear of speaking.

I accept now that my mother was locked in so much pain and resentment towards my father, as well as suffering from mental illness, that she didn’t have the capacity to consider my feelings or let it occur to her that I had any at all. She dealt with things the way she has always done: packing them into boxes in her mind and carrying on. But she let them spill over when it suited her; mutterings under her breath, flashes of anger, comments like ‘the worst mistake of my life’ knowing I would see and hear them but, being the well behaved child I was, wouldn’t say a word. I suspect it was her way of reaching out, as strange as that sounds. She needed my companionship, wanted to express herself in the only way she knew how. She had no concept of my fear. And I was remarkably good at hiding it, being strong, moulding myself into the listening ear.

Returning to my broken leg, I’ll never know the truth, but I suspect she was at the top of the stairs when she dropped me and I tumbled down. These things happen. I don’t blame her for that. What I wish is that she could simply say ‘Oh yes, I dropped you, it was terrifying, you just fell.’ We could talk openly about it. But my guess is that she, too, was afraid. It was yet another thing she had to force away in the depths of her mind, lest it reflected badly on her. Mum has chronically low self esteem, the outcome of her own childhood. It so often is. The irony is that if she could have come out of her shell and dealt with her own pain, we’d have both been okay. But isn’t that the epitome of the human journey?

I know this post paints my mother in a terrible light. She is actually a very sensitive, caring, intelligent woman, and we get on well now, within reason (she still doesn’t do emotions). Her mental illness has passed. Her physical health is not good. I have healed a lot of my emotional pain. I have found acceptance. We relate as adults. We never talk about the past. Maybe in that way we will remain as we always were. But we talk more openly and freely about our lives now, today, and I can be thankful for that.

A personal awakening journey

/ sarahlissyjenkins / 7 Comments

Echkart Tolle explained how his spiritual awakening to his true nature beyond the mind occurred when his mental suffering became intolerable. He was severely depressed, suicidal, in total despair unable to see a way out and until he uttered the words ‘Who is this ‘I’ that I cannot live with?’ Then he paused, reflecting on the profound meaning of his words. He had discovered the inner witness that some may call the soul, who lies beyond the mind, aware of every experience, thought and emotion, yet untouched by it all. This realisation changed Tolle’s life. He woke up from the dream of identifying with his mental state and went on to (eventually) write several books and become a spiritual teacher. As far as I know he has never fallen back into unconsciousness.

His dramatic awakening is unusual in its completeness; a clear boundary between ‘before’ and ‘after.’ For most people it doesn’t work like that. The path to becoming more conscious tends to follow a rugged trajectory of peaks and troughs, consisting of periods of heightened awareness before falling back into the grip of identifying with one’s conditioned self and then, at some point, emerges the realisation of being lost in the dream of mind. Ideally, the conscious periods will lengthen and the tendency to get lost will lessen over time. However, sometimes the unconscious periods intensify as the conditioned self/ego senses it is losing its hold and will hang on to whatever it can to save itself. Eventually, for those destined to awaken in this lifetime, the ego can no longer resist the force of the soul’s desire to know itself, and it begins to dissolve. Far from being a wonderful process, it is often completely horrible. This is what is known as the ‘dark night of the soul’

My own journey has definitely followed the latter trajectory. Looking back, my awakening journey probably first started when I walked away from my marriage with an narcissist, struggling with a relapse of my physical health condition, and a profoundly disabled child in tow. Until that point I was living out my life in a state of trauma as the result of my childhood and becoming seriously unwell at university. I had improved, gone to work and had a baby, only to fall very ill again. I was sensitive, empathetic, but highly insecure and lacking in self esteem, so it was not surprising I found myself attracted to my ex’s highly magnetic stage personality. After several years of mental cruelty, I finally realised that I was worth more. I don’t know how I found the courage to leave under the circumstances, but the little girl inside me had not lost her connection to the Divine despite everything. She reminded me that I was strong and would be okay, like she had been.

And so my journey really started. I sought therapy, tried alternative treatments, focused on my life with my son. Of course it was far from easy. In many ways my life actually worsened. Like Tolle, I fell into a bad depression. I remember sitting on my back doorstep, staring at the horse chestnut tree in my then-garden, tears slipping down my face, not even having the energy to wipe them away. Someone knocked at the door wanting access to the drain in my garden, can’t remember why, but I just remember the desperation I felt for them to see me, notice my pain, take away the desperate loneliness in my heart. The overriding theme of my life and particularly at that time was loneliness. I had lost my spiritual connection. I was barely surviving. My son’s behaviour was so challenging that it took everything I had. I had little support from family and no compassion or understanding from my ex. I had carers to help with my son, and emotional support from a therapist, but I still felt very alone.

A few years later, when my son was 9, I started reading a lot of spiritual books and meditating intensely. I had dipped in and out of this over the years, but not with any serious intent. This really kickstarted the next stage of my journey. It is hard to explain exactly what happened, but I ‘opened up.’ I suddenly felt more connected to spirit than I ever had before. My dreams became more intense, often containing Christian or Buddhist imagery. I saw and felt things during meditation – lights, sensations. I no longer felt alone. This was a relief because my life was spiralling further out of control. I ended up in hospital with my illness and my son’s dad started to have our son more. It took a few more years and a court case before my son went to his dad’s full time but at that point I could finally breathe. I could find myself.

My journey has been one of coming home to myself. I realise now that there was no other way things could have gone. I could not have ‘awoken’ IN the situation I was in, but THROUGH it. I was lost in the grip of trying so hard to do the impossible – be a superhuman parent to a challenging child, while I was sick. I made a difficult decision, had to overcome a lot of hatred thrown in my direction, in order to realise that who I am goes beyond the roles that I play. I began to realise that there is something within me – in all of us – that is stronger and more real than anything in this life. Moreover, I understood the true meaning of Love: I loved my son deeply; I disliked his behaviour a lot of the time, but I loved him, and I wanted him to be where he would be cared for and safe. To love him meant making sure of that, even though many people could not understand. Also, Love meant recognising my own limits and trusting my intuition, not society’s view on what I should or shouldn’t be doing.

My spiritual journey continues. Last year was particularly tough with my son. I notice when I’m lost in thoughts about being a bad mother or even just wishing things were different. I’m only human. Spiritual perfectionism is definitely a thing, but the key is to notice – notice what’s happening, notice the resistance to what is. Tolle talks about acceptance because it’s the only thing we can do but it’s often the hardest thing to do because part of us wants to fight against what we don’t want, instinctively so. I believe I have gone through my ‘dark night of the soul’ because so much has been stripped away, yet what is real remains: the connection to my soul or to the Divine, whichever way you want to look at it, which has always existed. I may not have had an ‘eureka’ moment but in my own way I understand what Tolle was experiencing with ‘Who is this ‘I’?’ Who, indeed? All I know is that I am on my way home.

A dream of quartz: clarity, cleansing, Divine connection

/ sarahlissyjenkins / 6 Comments

I had a beautiful dream during the night in which I awoke from a bed in a little cabin somewhere in the woods. I thought to myself that I have ‘let go.’ I went outside and put my hand into a hole inside a tree trunk and found it full of crystals and other beautiful things. I saw a tiny blue heart and realised it was a sign from Spirit. However, I was searching for two things in particular: clear quartz and celestial quartz. It did not take long before I found them. At this point the dream changed and I was in a room walking towards a large mirror carrying the crystals. I could feel immense spiritual power around me and I knew that the crystals were magnifying my connection to the Divine. I also knew that I needed to start working with crystals. The dream then ended.

I love the fact I ‘woke up’ within the dream itself. This is always highly symbolic and can be a common feature in lucid dreams (when one becomes aware that they are dreaming) although this dream was not lucid. It shows that I am, indeed, ‘waking up’ akas becoming more conscious in my daily life and no longer falling so readily into unconscious thoughts and emotions. The wood is deeply indicative of a myth, played out in fairy tales, whereby representing the journey into the unknown that every soul must take in this life. There are fears and challenges to be faced, as seen in stories such as ‘Hansel and Gretel’ and ‘Red Riding Hood’ to name but two. Thankfully, my dream carried an atmosphere of safety, so I was free to explore without anxiety. The hole in the tree truck may point to the tree of life; connected to Mother Earth, yet reaching for the Heavens. I found the treasure within it; namely the little blue heart, symbolising communication with Spirit in the name of Love, which is always within me. And then I searched for the quartz.

I found this fascinating because while I own some crystals, I don’t really use them, or think about them especially. I have a large rose quartz and citrine on my window sill and plenty of smaller crystals in a bag, but I don’t often handle them. The fact I was searching for the two types of quartz in my dream led me to look into the properties of both, and I found that they support greater clarity of mind, healing/cleansing, and increased connection to the Divine. This dream follows the post I made yesterday about intending to avoid checking my emails until after I have meditated in the morning. It is a message from my unconscious reinforcing the decision I have made and – perhaps – giving it greater power and manifestation. The mirror shows that I am aware of myself and what I am perceiving, as well as what I am projecting in the world – the illusions.

On waking this morning I immediately had in mind to hunt for a clear quartz and celestial quartz and carry them around with me. Now I’m not particularly knowledgeable about crystals, so I may be wrong, but I picked out from my bag what I believed were the two. You can see them in the photo. It feels good to hold them and connect them to my dream. And this morning started on a good note; taking my dog out, eating breakfast, meditating, reading inspiring works, and only then checking my emails! I will start as I (hopefully!) mean to go on.

/ sarahlissyjenkins / 3 Comments
Daily writing prompt
What’s one small improvement you can make in your life?
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I intend to be more mindful of how I begin my day because, if I’m honest, the first thing I tend to do after waking in the morning is grab my phone and check my emails! Even though there is never going to be anything so ‘urgent’ that it can’t wait a couple of hours (or else a phone call would have been a more appropriate option) I still feel that pull to make sure. It is the curse of modern technology – it installs a sense of urgency within our brains, triggering a survival response – “I have to check or else I might miss something important and x, y, z may happen” and of course this is reinforced by 24/7 alerts and notifications, which thankfully I have turned off, except for WhatsApp. It is all designed to keep us addicted, anxious, tuned in, constantly checking, and all the while our mental health deteoriates. Well, for many it does.

I have been aware of this for some time but never quite managed to get out of the habit of checking because it’s simply ‘the norm’ now by society’s standards. There is a fear of missing out if one does not check. And this plays on a deep rooted fear of not belonging, being abandoned, not part of the world. In spiritual terms, we can say it’s a disconnection from one’s own soul and becoming lost in the ego. Any addiction is ultimately a disconnection from one’s own soul. Modern technology, if not used mindfully and carefully, feeds the ego, leading to greater fear, separation, and mental illness.

I have resolved to put off checking my emails until I have taken my dog out, eaten my breakfast, meditated, and read inspiring posts on WordPress and other sources. Moreover, as soon as I wake, I am listening to relaxing music on Spotify, to put me in the right frame of mind to begin my day and facilitate a sense of peace and calm. Anything else can wait until I am ready to deal with it.

Small changes lead to big improvements. All it takes is awareness and a little motivation to begin.

The treasure trove within

/ sarahlissyjenkins / 8 Comments

I’ve spent much of my life trying to chase a particular kind of experience, such as a relationship, owning a car, having a child, studying for a degree, carving out a career, going on holiday.

I believed that each of those would bring me joy and satisfaction. And while each of those things have value and brought me good times, they never satisfied the inner longing.

It has taken me almost to my mid forties before I could truly take in that I am what I seek.

I’ve heard it so many times. Most of us have by now. For some, it’s almost irritating, triggering a defensive response. It did for me on occasions. I felt like it was saying I shouldn’t WANT or NEED anything because it all exists within me. Not a hugely helpful thing to say to someone in distress.

Now I realise it isn’t saying that. Instead it is saying the following: By all means go out in the world and have fun. Enjoy the experiences that come your way. Seek refuge and healing in those beautiful people who want to help. Find a purpose, if you like, whether that’s self betterment or self service. Do what feels important to you.

Just don’t lose yourself in any of it. Realise that life is a gift, not an obligation. And at those times when it all falls apart, know that your joy or healing was never dependent on that one person or situation. The treasure trove has always been within you. You’ve been chasing a feeling, but a feeling can never exist externally, it can only be realised within. That can’t be taken away, even in the face of loss, even when it gets covered up, temporarily, by the shadows of fear or grief.

Yes, what I’ve been chasing all these years is my own joy, my own peace, my own self. I didn’t find them anywhere else because I was never supposed to; they were never there! I lost myself in the mirror. I thought I was in the world; the world is in me.

To anyone struggling with deep emotional pain right now, please take heart. You might not be able to see or experience it but one day the clouds will lift and you’ll realise that there is joy to be found even right in the thick of despair. It exists because it’s from Spirit and Spirit lies within you, it IS you.

The message of the dragonfly

/ sarahlissyjenkins / 16 Comments

On this morning’s walk with my dog I was delighted when a dragonfly flew in my path. It reminded me of the last time I saw one down that road, around 4 and a half years ago: I was returning from taking my dead guinea pig’s body to the vet to be cremated and was immersed in sadness. Melody had lived an amazingly long life despite considerable struggles – an open infected wound, a limp, brain seizures. A vet even advised me to have her put to sleep as the wound was so deep. But while I didn’t want her suffering, I believed she deserved one chance. Melody took it and ran with it. Her wound healed with treatment and she stayed strong for another two years until seizures began to weaken her resolve and soon afterwards she developed cheyne stokes breathing and passed away. She was 7 years old.

The dragonfly’s appearance that day reminded me that we are never alone in how we feel, even when we most feel it, in fact especially when we most feel it. I was travelling on my scooter down the street when out of nowhere it flew alongside me, kept up for a good few metres, then disappeared as quickly as it came. In Native American culture, dragonflies are a sign of deceased loved ones, so maybe Melody had been paying me a visit in a new form? I will never know. It was enough to recognise its significance and feel intense gratitude that I had a sign from spirit that day.

This morning’s dragonfly flew directly at me, went in a semi-circle, then headed for a brick wall where it flew over and disappeared. Once again I am grateful and awed by its beauty and timing. I was awake for quite a while during the night thinking about my mother and her ailing health, saddened by the thought that one day in the not too distant future she’ll be gone, at least from this physical form. And then there’s my dog, who is doing well on an increased dose of phenobarbital for her epilepsy, but is getting older and the thought of not having her around is deeply distressing. The fragility and impermanence of this life is playing heavily on my mind at this time.

However, this is where dragonfly symbolism provides immense comfort to me beyond any ideas about what form each dragonfly may or may not be assuming. Dragonflies are bringers of light. They represent Spirit and higher consciousness. Ultimately, they are a reminder that everyone is on a journey of transformation, change and rebirth, whether that happens in this lifetime or in some other way. They are translucent, showing that this physical form is ultimately illusionary because everything dissolves and goes back to its source, which is Divine love. While it’s natural to become attached to various physical forms, they are temporary; they get sick, old and die, but what is real never dies.

The message of the dragonfly is that all is well. Nothing is to be feared, including death. Each of us is on a journey and that journey does not end.

A dream of waking up: A blooded fish finger, white hand grenade

/ sarahlissyjenkins / 3 Comments

Early this morning I had a fascinating dream. It was in two parts. First, I was cooking a fish finger for my son’s dinner. On examination it wasn’t cooked properly as the centre of the finger was brimming with blood. I told my son that it wasn’t ready and needed to go in the oven longer. My son went ballistic, picked up the keyboard attached to my laptop and threw it down a flight of stairs. As I picked it up I thought to myself ‘This is PTSD from parenting.’

The second part of the dream was very different. I was in some kind of building and there was a sense of urgency. Someone told me that I had to come this way. A flight of stairs was ahead of me. Instead of walking up, I forced myself to elevate higher and higher, until I reached the top. A balcony was in front of me, hundreds of people gathered below. I held a white coloured grenade in my hand. As I threw it into the crowd, one person looked up and saw me. I found myself at the bottom of the stairs again. I thought to myself ‘there will be an explosion and I’m going to wake up and find myself in it.’

At this point I woke up, thankfully to the silence of my bedroom.

I believe this dream is significant but I haven’t yet figured out exactly how. While the two parts are different, there are obvious parallels and themes. In the first, my son throws something (a laptop) DOWN the stairs; in the second I throw something (a grenade) after going UP the stairs. In both, there is a massive disturbance, but in the first I am not in control, whereas in the second I am the cause.

The fish is also very interesting. Fish in dreams tend to symbolise the unconscious, the giver of life, since they live in the ocean from which we came. As such fish can also symbolise the true self, or the Christ. If I consider the latter, the blood takes on even greater significance. It symbolises my wounded self. The dream mentions PTSD, the effect of coping for many years with my son’s tendency to throw items and furniture with little or no warning, exactly as portrayed here, and the screaming at all hours of the day and night, sometimes the violence. My son could be absolutely lovely, but he was unpredictable, and sadly my ill health suffered further. Here, I am serving up a well intentioned but wounded self to my son. Unsurprisingly, he rejected it. Maybe, too, this is about me ‘pointing the finger’ akas assigning blame to the situation and seeing myself as a victim of it. A bloodied finger is a particularly gruesome image, since our fingers are an essential part of our anatomy; we need them to communicate, hold, throw.

And then we have part two, when I seemingly decide to bomb an entire room. Seen on one level, it could be about anger and revenge, but I don’t FEEL it’s that. Instead, there is a sense of higher purpose and understanding. I am elevating to a new level. I can see chaos already below but there is something I have to do. The grenade has its own meaning. It is white, the colour of purity and spirit. As I throw it, someone below sees me and understands what I’m doing. Part of my personality is awake. I am then back downstairs, knowing more chaos will ensue and I will come to be in the midst of it, but who I am in THAT moment – the spiritual self, the soul – is detached yet deeply involved, separate yet witnessing everything. Other aspects of my personality need a stronger wake up call. That’s what the grenade is about.

I don’t know if the second part of the dream explains the first. Maybe it does, maybe it doesn’t. But I feel, deep down, that they are saying all of it makes sense. I have felt more at peace around my son and the way he is for a little while but I know from past experience that my unconscious will roam around to find exactly what is still festering there and make me very aware of it. And of course, it is a process; the pain probably won’t ever go away completely, but as with any life experience, we can awaken through it.

Strange experience early this morning

/ sarahlissyjenkins / 1 Comment

I had a very interesting experience early this morning. I woke up and randomly thought ‘It is 5.11a.m.’ Then I went to the bathroom, returned, checked the time on my phone and it was indeed 5.11a.m! I don’t tend to wake up at that time so I had no reason to believe it would be 5.11a.m. I was so exhausted that I didn’t ponder it, got straight back into bed and fell asleep for another couple of hours. Then this morning I thought ‘Hmm, 5.11a.m?!’ So I’ve taken it as a synchronicity, or ‘meaningful co-incidence,’ as coined by Carl Jung, and used numerology to decipher what my subconscious may have been telling me.

Five is the number of the senses, through which I experience the world. It is also the number of Divine grace. Therefore, it is grace made manifest in daily life, a reminder that the Divine is all around us and within us. Interestingly, in the tarot five is the number of challenge and conflict, showing that the path to our true nature does not come easy. Moreover, ’11’ is the number of empowerment and manifestation. In China, it is a sign of the Tao, meaning ‘the path.’ In the tarot ’11’ is the Justice card but also, interchangeably, the Strength card. There is a higher order despite appearances to the contrary. And it takes strength to keep moving forward, but I am heading in the right direction.

Basically, as with all synchroncities, it is a sign that I am on the right path.