Recently I wrote something for an organisation that I’m involved with which was very personal but aligned with its purpose. However, since writing it I sense an awkwardness in people combined with a lack of feedback on the article. Even worse, several weeks later it hasn’t yet been published. This has saddened me and got me thinking about how little people sometimes want to hear how it REALLY is for others. My article was genuine, honest, a portrayal for how it was for me caring with a disabled child for many years, but maybe it was too raw for its intended audience. I thought people could potentially relate and benefit from my story, but I forgot that the corporate world doesn’t always appreciate too much honesty. It is too open, too risky. There is an expectation that one should tone their experiences down.

This is part of the reason I struggle with other people. I am very open about my emotions and life experiences; in particular what I have learnt from them. I have no qualms about discussing the details of my private life; indeed I write immensely bout it on my blog. But I guess many people are not as in touch with their emotions as I am, and too much intensity makes them uncomfortable. I’m not as identified with my life as I used to be; I see it as a series of events that happened over time which do not define who I am, because who I am transcends any emotion or experience. I should know it is different for those who are deeply involved in very painful or even traumatic circumstances, as indeed I was, and may be struggling to cope. I thought my experiences may give them some hope, but it seems this can only be if I filter my voice through the expectations of the organisation. This is nearly always the case unless one is lucky enough to work for themselves.

This is what makes me want to pick up a tent, my dog and cat, several duvets, clothes and my phone (of course!) and live in a forest somewhere. If only I had the ability to grow my own food and provide enough shelter for my daily living needs. But sadly it is not possible. I can only feel grateful for this blog and the few people with whom I can be truly honest and maybe even help along the way.