A vicar visited my mum at the nursing home today. He emailed me afterwards to say that my mum had told him all about her life and her family. It means so much to me that he went to see her and that my mum was able to talk to him. It sounds like she got a lot out of the visit. She needs to have someone impartial who she can talk to and to help her from a spiritual perspective. It reminds me how kindness is the most powerful force for good in this world. It’s what it’s all about at the end of the day – opening our hearts to ourselves and others so the Divine/God can shine through.
Month: Oct 2023
The challenges of yesterday
Yesterday was a very challenging day for me. As with any challenge, I’m trying to accept what came up and learn from it, as well as have compassion for my thoughts and feelings that perhaps come from a younger place.
A friend took me to visit my mother in the nursing home. This particular friend nearly always takes me and it really means a lot to me. I’m profoundly grateful. Yesterday he arrived not in the best of moods. He suffers a little with anxiety and I think he’s on the autistic spectrum, so routine is important to him, and he gets easily stressed. He finds it hard to connect with his own or others emotions and doesn’t ‘do’ a two way conversation very easily. But he is a lovely, kind guy who genuinely cares for others, even if you have to get to know him to really see it.
Anyway, we were in the car when he snapped at me because I didn’t hear when he asked me which way I wanted to go. As he always goes left and has never asked me before, I didn’t even compute that he was asking me, only that he was perhaps talking to his sat nav (as it likes to take us right but he goes left!). He snapped at me and my response was, very clearly ‘Please don’t snap at me.’ He immediately said sorry. In his mind that was the end of it, only in mine it was not. I was not deliberately holding onto it, but I was hurt. I looked out of he window because I could feel tears coming. To cut a long story short, I fought tears throughout the very long journey (being stuck in miles of traffic on a motorway is no fun but it was far worse for those involved in the two accidents causing it). He either had no idea or pretended not to notice because he talked non stop about his news for the rest of the way. At the motorway services I asked for a hug, which he gave, and I tried to explain that he always turned left so I didn’t realise he was asking me. However, I quickly realised he wasn’t even listening to me as his attention was caught by people outside the shops. It wasn’t even an issue to him anymore. But as I sat back in my seat with fresh tears in my eyes, I felt so lonely and disconnected. As silly as this may sound, I couldn’t help it.
Eventually we reached my mother’s nursing home only to find her in terrible pain and looking much more gaunt than last time. We both had a shock on seeing her. Every movement hurt her, she kept crying out and grimacing so we went to find a nurse who administered an Opioid drug. She hates it because she said it knocks her out, but the sad choice for her now between pain or sleep. No one should be in that position. No one. She is upset that they can’t help her more but she can’t swallow most medications now, even liquids, so they are trying to bring a doctor to her who will give her a pain relieving patch. She said she can’t do anything because it all hurts. She asked for help putting a cardigan on but we had to stop part way through with her arm all crooked and the cardigan hanging off because it was causing her too much pain.
I brought her Bible along with some reassuring passages because she has Christian faith. She looked surprised and said ‘I’ll read it when I feel better.’ I didn’t like to say that was not really the point, never mind that that ship has probably sailed now. But what can any one really say? She is a tough cookie my mum, very determined, never gives up. It was hard to leave her knowing how much pain she’s in and not understanding why it’s not more controlled than it is. Today I’ve been trying to find a priest or someone to go and pray with her regularly, to give her comfort if nothing else.
So on the way home yesterday my friend admitted that he didn’t feel himself. I said I thought so and that I’d picked up on his mood because I’m like a sponge. Being honest cleared the air a little. But when I was alone I sobbed all evening with the sadness and loneliness and darkness I was feeling after the atmosphere of the day – being snapped at, witnessing the accident, my mum’s pain, and the sight of my mum’s house being packed up. It’s all horrible, really, That’s the reality.
I know that most people probably would not have reacted so badly to being snapped at. I am struggling at the moment due to my mum’s terminal condition, but before my friend arrived I felt okay, well strong at least. Somehow being snapped at/criticised/told off brings forth the little girl in me who freaks out. I was in a very toxic marriage with an emotionally abusive man for some years too which has not helped. As much as spiritually I understand my wounds and try to send the light to them, it’s experiences like this that remind me of the healing that is still taking place on the emotional level. I don’t know them until they show themselves to me. Or rather, the child in me shows herself. It is her that is hurt and scared to BE hurt in case it pushes away the person who hurt her. In this case, the person could not have understood. But I do and I will try to show compassion and kindness to the hurting child, especially as her mother, the person who caused a lot of hurt in the past, is fading away, leaving a shocking empty void.
Spiritual growth means embracing the wounds of the child and not pushing them away. It means accepting all of me, even the parts I wish were no longer there. It even means accepting those who caused the hurt, albeit usually unintentionally. Most of all, it means being with suffering, whether it’s the suffering of the once-child within, or that of my mother right in front of me in the present. Every hurt is deserving of the Divine light that we bring forth with our acceptance and deep love. Bring it all Home.
A dream of being showered in my ex’s Grandad’s ashes
A couple of nights ago I had a very odd dream (not that my dreams are usually anything but!). I was passing by the bungalow where my ex husband’s grandmother lived up until she died in 2019. While I was married, me and my husband, along with my mother-in-law, used to go for tea with his grandmother at the bungalow every Sunday. This went on until we broke up in 2006. His grandfather had lived there too, but sadly he became terminally ill months after me and my ex got together in 2000, so my only vivid memories of him were of him laying in his bed in the lounge during his last few weeks. He always liked me though. He was so happy that my ex was with me as apparently my peaceful nature made a refreshing change from his previous choice of girlfriends!
So, in the dream I was passing the bungalow and a stranger was doing some work on it. I was thinking about times passed and how strange it was to be seeing it now. Then I found myself inside the bungalow along with my ex mother-in-law. There was a vague sub-plot to the dream consisting of me being at school and having to sing in front of an audience but knowing I absolutely could not do it in any shape or form (as it would be in real life as I can’t sing and have performance anxiety). In this sub plot, I had planned to run away from the school as it felt like my only option but I was scared of being found out. I was somewhat aware of this while sitting in the bungalow, but the two dreams were only loosely connected at that point.
For some reason, my mother-in-law had her father’s ashes with her and didn’t know what to do with them. I said I had no idea. Without warning she threw the ashes across the room. They rained down on me like a torrential shower. Everything was covered in ash. It didn’t feel unpleasant; in fact the atmosphere was quite nostalgic and sweet. Then my mother-in-law was sitting at a table and I knocked some ashes out of a pot. I was scared that I’d left her with none so I started scooping some up and putting them into a blue dish for her.
At this point the dream ended. It was a particularly vivid one, especially feeling myself and everything covered in ash. I dreamed it on Tuesday night after I had written the post about the invincible summer earlier in the day, so I know it is connected. I had written about autumn being a time to reflect and to let go as new things will be born. And of course, my mother is terminally ill, as well as the anniversary of my dad’s death being this month, so there are a lot of letting go’s pressing on my mind just now.
But as with all my dreams, the symbolism runs deeper than the obvious. Of course ash represents death – ‘ashes to ashes, dust to dust’ which is the ultimate loss. But why my ex’s grandfather? And why at the bungalow?
I suspect the meaning is on two levels. I often find this in my dreams – there is the personal and there is the collective. On the personal level, my ex’s grandparents were the only grandparents I really had. My nan, who was my mother’s mother, died when I was a child, and due to the family dynamic I didn’t have much of a relationship with her. It was very different with my ex’s grandparents. They gave me something I had never had; a family tea every Sunday, a sense of belonging (even though my marriage was ultimately unhealthy). I liked and admired my ex’s nan; she was a London girl whose house got bombed during the war and she was eventually evacuated down to the coast. She was a no-nonsense, tough and witty woman. She could be blunt, which led to hurt feelings at times, but overall I had a lot of respect for her and enjoyed our family teas very much. And while I didn’t know my ex’s grandfather well, before he got really sick I appreciated his presence. I liked sitting in front of the TV at the bungalow with them both there. Small joys that were lacking while I was growing up in my own family.
I believe that part of the reason my ex’s grandfather was in my dream is that we had a connection. His presence was there somehow. It’s hard to explain but it felt very real. I still get on with my ex’s mother to this day as she is involved in my son’s life, but there is a distance due to my ex. But her pouring the ashes over me seems weirdly like a christening, only with ash! Ash itself represents loss and sorrow and sadness, but also growth and re-birth. Maybe my mother-in-law represents the part of me who doesn’t really know or trust the process, but acts on blind faith, aiding in a transformation of consciousness. She may also point to my need to look back on my past and its lessons before I can properly move forward. The sub-plot about the school and having to perform may point to feeling I have something to prove, or perhaps that I lack confidence in my own ability to connect with a higher state of being (through singing) and fear is trying to take over somehow. In this sense, my mother-in-law has appeared to offer the wisdom of her own elder.
The collective part of my dream is where it gets especially interesting in my view. Grandfathers and elders represent wisdom and protection and eternity, so here the ashes of a grandfather link to my understanding of the cycles of life and the knowledge and guidance I carry within me to help me on my journey. Grandfathers in dreams can also point to longevity, so the passage of time is relevant again here, indicating again that I’m thinking back to times passed and understanding the fruits of the lessons and gifts I’ve been given. But the flip side could mean suffocating in sorrow, not being able to move forward or hear the wisdom being given to me. That I need to be aware of.
I’m glad I got to spend some time in that bungalow, albeit in a dream.
The invincible summer
I know I’ve posted this quote before but it’s my favourite one in the world. Yesterday I was crying as I read it from deep in my soul because I understand. The symbolism of the weather brings it home because when the summer Sun is shining on me, I truly feel okay. Even if I’m in pain, the Divine shining its glorious light on this beautiful planet makes me feel joyful and untouchable, as if all is well in the world. Of course there are disappointments, times of sadness, illness, but nothing feels quite so bad when everything is bathed in radiant blue light of a cloudless or semi-cloudless sky.
So in winter I tend to struggle. I feel happier on sunny days but it’s too cold to sit out, I don’t get to experience it as I’m stuck inside a lot more. I go out with my dog twice a day so I’m luckier than most, but shivering inside several layers of clothing just doesn’t bring me the same level of joy, even in sunlight. Don’t get me started on damp, grey, dark days in the colder months.
I’m aware that the weather is reflecting my state of mind, just as everything does. It’s just that, for me, a beautiful summer’s day seems to make my soul sing, perhaps because it is traditionally the time when we allow ourselves to bloom like the flowers and bear fruit like the plants. It’s within our very nature to express ourselves most joyfully during this time of year. Likewise, autumn/fall and winter are times for letting go and contemplation, the ‘yin’ to the ‘yang’ of summer as we retreat along with the light and withdraw into ourselves to harvest what we have learnt. They are an invitation to experience a kind of ‘death’ and ‘rebirth’ that is embedded within all creation. Autumn and winter are treasured reminders that nature is always changing and renewing, and we are no different. It’s a never ending cycle of surrendering to the old to make room for the new. Summer will bloom again. Painful times will pass. We can reflect, learn, and grow in new ways.
There is a time for everything because it all has its place. I appreciate autumn and winter for their gifts even though it’s sometimes more of an intellectual appreciation than a felt sense, because my heart lies in summer. But Albert Camus’s quote brings home to me that however much I find myself struggling when it turns cold, literally or symbolically, the joy I find in summer is always within me. It can carry me through even the harshest of winters, because it never actually leaves. The Sun itself obviously doesn’t disappear; it’s always there, but Earth has moved, so we don’t experience its full intensity for a time. Just like that, we may not FEEL the joy of being when times are hard, the spark of the Divine within us remains and will do always.
Sometimes I fall into the trap of thinking ‘it shouldn’t be like this’ or ‘this shouldn’t be happening.’
But why shouldn’t it?
A friend once told me that every time the question ‘why me?’ popped into her head, she would counter it with ‘why not me?’
I used to find that incredibly annoying and even upsetting whilst in the midst of painful life circumstances, but taking a higher perspective, it’s an important point.
None of us are exempt from pain. We are all subject to the fragility and infallibility of being human. No one has to look very far to see that life appears grossly unfair and cruel. Some people seem destined to suffer far more than others and no one has an answer for that (although there are plenty of theories).
But the fact is, life is what it is. We don’t ‘have’ a life because it isn’t ours to possess; we are part of the Wholeness which is Life itself. Life doesn’t label itself because it’s beyond judgement. It expresses itself through the birth of form into maturity, and finally towards decay and death. The most vibrant flower only blooms for a short time before succumbing to its fate.
Only us humans have the intellectual capacity to question this natural process and try to resist it or get angry about it. I understand why. Life is really difficult and painful for many people. I struggled so hard for years. I was so angry at how things turned out. I asked ‘why me?’ all the time. But understanding that it isn’t personal helped me a lot. It’s funny how life can feel so personal because, well, I’m a person and I’m hurting and I need someone to help me! Childhood pain comes to the fore and it’s like abandonment all over again – only this time not necessarily by an inadequate parent, but by God, or the Universe. Even Jesus felt abandoned in his darkest hour of suffering.
It has become a lot easier for me since I accepted that life is what is it and pain is part of the journey. What ‘shouldn’t be happening’ simply is. It’s no longer ‘why me’ but ‘why not me, this is something that happens to other people too.’ Instead of lamenting over the dying flower, I remember that all of us have the capacity to bloom while we’re here; in fact the biggest regret at the end of life is often wishing there had been more meaningful moments with loved ones, more expressions of love, more confidence to shine. In short: people want to live fully before they die.
I know that life can be seriously awful for so many people. There isn’t an answer to that. There is no justification for the suffering that some have been through. But this is my version of how learning to accept life has led to greater peace in my heart. It still hurts. But I have faith that Life holds all of us within a far bigger story than we know.
My mother is in a nursing home
After 3 months in hospital (barring six days at home) my mother has been moved to a nursing home. It’s an absolutely beautiful home set in acres of countryside so she has an amazing green view out of full length windows. Finally out of the misery of a busy noisy hospital ward full of patients screaming night and day and rushed-off-their-feet nurses, not to mention the poor standard of care she received that left me and my sister at breaking point, she has found peace and calm in this idyllic environment where staff so far seem attentive and lovely and she can literally gaze out at countryside 24/7.
The downside is, she’s very likely she’ll only be staying there a week!! For reasons unbeknownst to us, she has to have a proper needs assessment there, as this was never done in hospital. They need to assess what her needs actually are, whether she needs nursing care or is able to manage on residential care (without a registered nurse). She may even have to go back to her house with a care package again, although this is very unlikely. After the needs assessment she will be financially assessed to see whether she needs to contribute towards her costs. This is where it gets tricky. This nursing home is super expensive and the NHS won’t cover it. I don’t think she can top up the rest. If this is the case, she will have no choice but to get moved again to somewhere cheaper. It’s a pain, but right now we are focussing on the positives: she is out of the nightmare of hospital and being properly cared for somewhere she can relax.
She remains terminally ill, that won’t change, but since recovering from the most recent infection that had her rushed back to hospital from her house, she seems more stable. A nurse told us that she had 2 months at best, but this was when she was battling the second lot of pneumonia. She remains on oxygen 24/7 and is very frail, but due to the nature of her conditions (end stage lung fibrosis and heart failure) no one knows how long she has. She’s completely bedbound and incontinent so I’m hoping and praying that where she finally ends up, it will be somewhere peaceful and caring where she can live out her final weeks/months with dignity. Isn’t that what we all deserve? So many don’t achieve it, sadly.
At the moment I’m so happy that she’s where she is that my heart could burst. It just shows how awful the last 3 months have been that we can be so grateful for a week in such a beautiful place where she watch Tv, lay quietly or witness the healing presence of Mother Earth from her comfy bed.
Animal spirits and my dream
I was reading a book last night on the Shamanic belief that animal spirits exist to guide and support us if we tune into their energies. To the Shaman, everything on Earth is intrinsically connected and conscious, so every living thing, be it fish, animal, insect, plant or anything else, has particular guidance to offer us based on its own characteristics and experience of life. In addition, the book says we each have a main animal guide, or totem, which stays with us for part or all of our life, depending on our particular soul journey. It suggests that to find our animal totem, we can either do a meditation whereby we visualise meeting our animal guide, or we ask before sleep that it will appear in our dream.
Now I’ve never been one for visualisations. I have a very poor mind’s eye and find it hard to picture things. Also, as I’m an experienced meditator, the common advice to ‘see who/what appears’ never works on me because I sit and see nothing! But I usually have vivid dream recall and in fact animals do appear in my dreams sometimes, so I half heartedly decided to ask my animal totem to show itself and then went to sleep.
In my dream, my pet dog, a lovely white little Maltese terrier, was chasing a horse up ahead and I was trying to catch up with her. The main feeling was panic at the possibility of losing my dog. This feeling carried over to at least two other dreams that I can recall, one where my dog was shut outside a building that I had to enter and I was trying to find her on my return, and another where I thought I saw her swimming in some water but it was a woman with white hair instead.
I’m still pondering the appearance of my dog in these dreams and the fear of losing her. The first dream seems to strike a balance between the domesticated and the wild, or the known and the unknown. It makes me think that maybe my dog represents part of my nature that is holding onto safety due to fear of loss or the unknown, but at the same time is chasing after something greater, wilder and more powerful, symbolised by the Horse energy. In addition, Horse is linked to angelic energies, which represents guidance from spirit. I don’t know if this means Horse is my totem, or even whether it’s true that each of us have a particular totem animal at any point in time, but regardless, this is a message about owning my energy, power and freedom.
The fear of being separated from my dog not only represents the intense bond I have with her but also the sadness of loss and companionship which many of us experience in life. It is true that I hate being separated from my dog, and vice versa; she is the truest friend I have ever had. If I ever woke up in the night and saw she was not on my bed I would have a moment of panic until I noticed that she was simply sleeping on the floor due to getting too hot. I guess in very real terms we are attached by a very deep love. It is what it is. But it is interesting that in the final dream I thought I saw her in water (consciousness) but it was a lady with white hair instead (wisdom). Again, there is a sense of holding two states of being: the knowable and familiar, and the wise old lady who I was not necessarily seeking, but who made herself known nonetheless. And white holds all colour, so can symbolise spirit or higher consciousness.
I don’t hold tightly onto any belief systems anymore so I asked who my animal totem was with very loose expectations, more a sense of playfulness in what is currently a difficult time, but my dreams are always a source of great wisdom to me and I’m grateful that last night’s selection has made me reflect on my state of consciousness.
Show me the love
Dear Spirit
Please show me the love inside and out
remind me that those parts of me I dislike –
my judgemental mind, my neediness, my jealousy –
only stem from a longing for you
and surround them in your brilliant light
and loving embrace
within which all is held.
Open my heart,
remind me that I AM love
and all that I am
is in others too.
My Inner Light 