Today was evidence that I’m in a very different place to how I was two weeks ago.
My son was in an awful mood when I visited. He was shouty, agitated and upset. No one ever knows why as there’s no obvious reason and of course he can’t tell us, so we put it down to one of those days. But he did appreciate my presence, or at least my bag of goodies. He grabbed the Easter egg, immediately tore the wrapper off and chomped down hard on the top, then proceeded to leave the egg for the time being and shred the box, which is one of his favourite activities of late.
I watched him, knowing he was being exactly who he is, and it was okay. I had no expectations of anything different. I didn’t experience any pain or sadness or longing whatsoever. It was just the way it was.
Soon after this his agitation grew so he disappeared into the toilet, which is his ‘safe place’ when he’s feeling overwhelmed. After ten minutes in there he came out yelling the word ‘shopping’ over and over, indicating that he wanted to go for a walk. I told the carers this was fine and that even though my taxi wasn’t picking me up for another half an hour, I was happy to just sit and wait if they wanted to go. I couldn’t go with them as I couldn’t walk very far. I hugged my son goodbye and told him I’d be back after Easter.
I sat in the lounge on my own waiting for difficult emotions to appear, but they didn’t. I felt okay with everything. I didn’t need to attach any reaction to any of it. I realised that I didn’t need anything from the situation. I didn’t need anything from my son in that moment. I just wanted to be there for him, give him his Easter egg, and I had done that.
I decided to see if I could get a taxi home any earlier. I was fine with waiting but the taxi arrived five minutes later. Small blessings seem so big when you don’t mind what happens.
A day in my life of feeling fine, that everything pans out in the way it’s going to, and I don’t need to take it personally at all, or hope or feel the need for anything different. I’ve done my bit and that is enough.