Month: Feb 2024

The moment I woke

/ sarahlissyjenkins / 4 Comments

For a few seconds after I opened my eyes this morning, I felt light and free. Everything felt…okay. There was nothing inherently wrong.

Then my mind kicked in. I remembered that I had felt depressed yesterday. The memory crushed me like a truck. My body became heavy, sick, geared up for insurmountable challenges.

I realised the difference very quickly, but I could not – and still can’t – ‘undo’ the impact of that thought this morning. It had set the wheels in motion and I am trapped beneath them, letting them run me over repeatedly.

All I can do is watch and know this state of mind is not reality. It is not me. My mind and body are having a tough time just now. Adding pressure to feel better isn’t really going to work. It is how it is at the moment.

I am visiting my son later which is better for me than sitting at home at my laptop. Maybe that will help, maybe it won’t, but I will keep moving through the day and remembering that this too will pass.

And that moment upon waking is a gift to hold (not cling) onto.

Missed my mum today

/ sarahlissyjenkins / 3 Comments

Again, it’s the small but intensely personal things that hurt.

I don’t watch a lot of TV but I went on BBC Iplayer for a change to see if there were any good shows on and I noticed the new season of Death in Paradise was out. Once again, as with another show Vera,  I was hit with the immediate realisation that my mum would have told me. Not only that, she would have watched it and told me what she thought of it. She always watched it as soon as it was available whereas I tend to watch it in my own time. So, she would text me as soon as she had finished it, normally to tell me how much I would enjoy the episode.

I sat to watch some of episode one, but all I could think about was that my mum would’ve watched it and been interested in what was going on, especially as a main character was the focus. I felt such a deep sense of sadness that she wasn’t able to watch it. I guess our TV shows were a significant way in which we really connected and now I really feel the loss. As we lived quite a distance apart and I saw her maybe 3-4 times a year plus emotionally we weren’t that close, the ways we did connect were priceless in ways I didn’t realise when she was alive.

I texted my sister while I was watching it to try and explain how I was feeling. My sister responded with reassurance that ‘mum brought you to the programme…she is always around.’ I couldn’t help but think ‘but you can’t know that.’ Her soul has gone…but what do we really know about how much of the person remains?

After only watching about 15 minutes or so I took for my dog for a walk. It was evening and I found myself crying quietly as we went through the streets, missing my mum. A man passed by, smiled and said hello, clearly not realising I was sad. I felt grateful for the acknowledgement; a reminder that I’m connected to the universe, that we’re all walking the same path in a multitude of ways, and even with such a profound loss, I will be okay.

No match for a crow

/ sarahlissyjenkins / 7 Comments

While walking my dog earlier I had to smile when I saw a cat hiding ready to pounce on a carrion crow. The crow clearly knew the cat was there, crouched at the side of a curb trying its best to be invisible, but carried on merrily picking up bits of crumb and other delicacies on the pavement. Once the crow got just a little bit closer the cat seized its chance and pounced but the crow was too clever for it and flew straight onto the estate agent’s sign where it continued to torment it by looking down and making noise. It was a very funny scene and I wish I could have stayed longer but my dog was pulling me away. The cat was certainly no match for a crow.

Perfectionism isn’t the goal of the spiritual path

/ sarahlissyjenkins / 10 Comments

There is no trying on this path. No one needs to try to become a Christ-like being, feeling unconditional love towards everyone and everything (although if it happens then wonderful, don’t push it away!).

Perfectionism is not the goal.

In fact, there is no goal, only awareness of what is right now.

With awareness, it is possible to notice all the parts of ourselves that we wish weren’t there. We can then learn to shine love and light on those parts, accepting them for what they are: manifestations of the messiness of being a conditioned and flawed human being.

It is not about trying to become anything.

It is easy to fall into the trap of wishing you were different than you were – more compassionate, more selfless, less critical – especially if you’re particularly conscientious (like yours truly).

But ask this: Who is the one trying to be those things? What is the voice saying ‘I should be more compassionate?’

Go deeper. Witness the thoughts. Feel the associated emotions. For me, once I’d voiced my sadness over not being compassionate enough, tears came.

Let all the resistance go. Be who you are right now. Feel your body.

Let yourself be exactly who you are.

Beyond all passing thoughts and emotions, in the deep ocean of stillness, is the jewel that is your true essence. 

It is the spark of the Divine and is the ever present, loving witness.

It loves and accepts everything unconditionally.

You can’t conceptualise it, or understand it, only let everything else fall away like clouds, illuminating its light.

You can’t try to experience it, because you ARE it.

Perfectionism is not the goal because perfectionism only exists in the mind of the person trying to be this or that way.

Trying to be a better person is a valid and honourable choice. On a psychological level, trying to change certain thoughts can certainly be beneficial.

But what we truly are is always there, and will, if recognised, bring more light into the world.

What we are not will fall away.

Only Love remains.

Divine love

/ sarahlissyjenkins / 3 Comments

Last night the child part of me made herself known. She was hurting. She felt lonely and in need of love. She didn’t know that love surrounded her, but how could she, if she didn’t feel it? She was seeking an experience that made her feel loved, but something happened yesterday and it was denied to her. She was left desperately wanting love; all she knew in the moment was a sense of lack. However, knowing it was okay to feel the loss and sadness, she let herself cry.

This morning she had settled down; however, my mind was unsettled, trying to make sense of it. How could I have felt like that? Was there a way to stop this happening? Why have I been feeling lonely this week? What do I really need? And so on. To try and get a handle on my thoughts, I started to journal.

Several pages later, I found clarity through some simple reminders:

There is space around my thoughts and feelings.

I am part of the web of Divine love.

We are made in the Divine image.

We can reach God though stillness of being.

God is beyond ideas and concepts and language.

God is love.

I am love.

Love is our nature so I cannot be separated from it.

I am bathed in Divine unconditional love, always.

And…

It is okay to not feel the above.

It is okay to need love.

It’s okay to forget.

There is space for all of it.

I can hold those parts of me -

those which cry out in pain, abandonment, and fear – with empathy.

They are just confused, cut off, lost, but not alone

The light of the Divine shines upon them

they are intimately known,

eternally loved.