Month: Aug 2022

My pathless path

/ sarahlissyjenkins / 2 Comments
yesofcorsa.com

I’ve realised that I’m never more at peace than when I’m not trying to fit into any one way of being or belief system.

The path is me: there is no other and there never has been.

As a young child I knew this; I talked to God, journaled, prayed, but walked my own unique path, always aligned with my heart.

There are tools, teachings, guides, but ultimately everything leads back to where I started from: myself.

For a time I thought this egotistical, but then I realised this is the very point:

God/spirit has planted the seed within me and my journey is about connecting with it, trusting it, and allowing it to flower and bloom.

Life circumstances, by pure chance or design, have meant that my inner journey has always been the most important one of my life. In fact, the ONLY one. People and situations have only sought to show me that.

There is no outer path beyond where experiences take me. When I try to find one, I suffer. When I try to fit in the world and crave things that weren’t meant to be, it causes me pain.

The Sun is shining through the fog once again. My soul has awakened. And yet the grief, the desperation, the search, it’s all part of the rich tapestry of what it means to be here.

A dream of my son

/ sarahlissyjenkins / 11 Comments

Many years ago when my son was 9 years old I had a dream that I have never forgotten. He was talking to someone about me and told them his mother was beautiful and still a teenager. (My son has been more or less non verbal since birth.) I was so excited (within the dream) about this that I started telling a group of people that my son had actually talked to me! I told them ‘it was real, it wasn’t a dream, I’d know if it was a dream’ Then a powerful wind started to blow me off my chair and I held onto a person next to me as the energy swept me almost completely into the air. At this point I woke up to the sensation of energy pouring down my head and arms like water. I had been attuned to reiki a couple of years earlier and believed that was what it was.

I’ve had many amazing dreams in my life but this one really stands out. I’ve never had one like it before or since. My son has never talked and most likely never will, beyond a few words. I’ve grieved a true connection with him my entire life. Around the time when he was 9 years old, I was profoundly depressed, so some may say the dream was wish fulfilment, something I desperately wanted so I concocted in my mind in the form of a dream. But I knew it wasn’t. There was something sublime about it, reinforced by Divine energy surrounding me both in the dream and on waking. I think it was showing me that this life has a purpose, as painful as the situation is.

I wasn’t a teenager when I had my son, never mind when he was 9! But I think the dream meant that developmentally I was still learning, still growing, still evolving. I was a soul on a journey and I was nowhere near maturity, but I was developing in my own time and way. It’s interesting that my dream refers to the notion of dreams and reality – what are they? I remember feeling so strange in the dream as the energy began to lift me up, as if it none of it was real – but what? Did I mean my dream reality or the waking world? Is there even a distinction? I said ‘I don’t feel real’ right before I re-joined the world of the awake – did I simply know I was dreaming, or did it point to something more profound: that none of this is real but the expression of Divine energy? Even my son talking in the dream may not have been real but another expression of the energy manifesting in a form I wished to see, needed to see. In that sense, maybe it actually was wish-fulfilment, but for a deeper purpose; to enable me to remember what life really is and connect with it, allow myself to immerse in it, know myself as it.

As I look about me, I am often filled with such intense grief that I have not had the opportunity to connect with my child in the way I always wished, and now, at age 43 with a chronic illness, the odds are that I never will. It is easy for another to say ‘make the best of life as it is’ but far harder to do, especially when I have craved connection all my life. In some respects I don’t even want another child, I don’t have the energy for it anymore, but I wish life had been different. Sometimes this wish consumes me. I will never be a grandmother, nor get to share memories with my son, look at photographs. Little things like that hurt massively.

It is a complicated grief because my son hasn’t left this Earth, he is very much alive. Yet I still feel the loss of him immensely. I feel the loss of everything we didn’t have and never will. I miss what could have been. What does one even do with this? It’s not something that goes away. So I remember the dream that brought me some level of comfort. Hearing him talk within it is something I can never forget. I am so grateful for that. And he acknowledged me; he said I was beautiful. That touches my heart. I doubt I will have another dream like it but I pray it stays with me and I will understand it’s true meaning for my life.

How?

/ sarahlissyjenkins / 4 Comments

I wonder if spiritually minded people are more susceptible to taking responsibility where they perhaps shouldn’t? Sometimes a higher state of awareness is a curse rather than a gift.

A male friend and I have been spending more time together and have decided to move our relationship beyond what it had been preciously, at least for a number of years. The problem is, on doing so, we’ve realised his health is worsening and it may not be the right thing for him.

I feel immensely guilty. If I hadn’t brought the issue up, we’d still be friends and his health would be stable. It was my need for something more that caused the problem in the first place. If his issues result in his death, it would be my fault, no less.

At least, that is where my mind is going.

Life can be so darn hard. I wish I was less sensitive, less reflective, less aware. I would have a far easier time. I wouldn’t care about the impact of my decisions on anyone else. But I do care. I care too much. I always think I’ve gone wrong somewhere and that I’m dragging others along the faulty path with me.

That is my life in a nutshell.

I wish someone would come along and tell me that I never did anything wrong. I wish God, or the spirit within, could tell me that I’m fine, I’m not hurting anyone else, I never did. But I feel as if I am. I feel as if my choices have caused so much wrong.

My biggest desire is for the Creator of the universe to turn around and say ‘My dear, you never did ANYTHING wrong.’ But that will never happen because it’s all down to me to believe that and hope that and trust that, and I can’t right now.

I’m genuinely scared that my choices will cause my friend to die. I know he has free will too. And every right to exercise it. But I feel the responsibility of my awareness and knowledge that I could – you know – just walk right away from relationships and live a life of solitude. Does God want that? I truly don’t know. Are my human desires wrong? Have they always been wrong?

I wonder if I seem too dramatic if I say I don’t know how to live this life. I don’t know how to face the choices I have and their implications. I can’t cope with the pain I feel and see around me. Even a poor catapillar trying so hard to find fresh grass to eat. And then there is my friend who is sick because of my desire to find something more.

How does one do it. This is a real question.