Month: Jun 2022

Witnessing a seagull’s near miss

/ sarahlissyjenkins / 7 Comments

This morning I witnessed a hit and run. The victim was a seagull, but that doesn’t make it any less upsetting for me.

Thankfully the seagull flew away, stunned but seemingly unharmed.

It had been among its flock which were picking at a large animal carcass in the middle of the road. One or two cars came by and slowed down and the seagulls mostly dispersed but one or two were too obsessed with the bone to worry about the cars.

As I was watching and waiting for a moment to go into the road and remove the bone, a car drove along with no intent to slow down and very deliberately drove at the flock; most got out of the way, one did not and hit the bumper with a thud. By some miracle it then flew off.

At this point I shot into the road and moved the carcass to a safer place while the seagulls watched, no doubt wondering what I was doing with their treasure.

The incident left me shaking and upset. Is a seagull’s life worth nothing to some people? Maybe the driver decided it was the seagulls ‘fault’ for being in the road in the first place. Would he say the same about a small child?

I find the lack of basic compassion really hard to deal with. I know that’s part n parcel of living in this world. I know many people don’t have empathy for birds, especially ones they deem a nuisance, such as seagulls. I’m not ignorant of those facts. I just find it really difficult to wrap my head around the intentional desire to hurt a living being and cause it suffering and pain. We live in a hurting world, I know. Hurt people hurt people (or animals. Or birds). It’s just…very painful to witness.

Patience and compassion are two wonderful virtues that are much needed in this world. No creature is less deserving than any other. No being deserves to suffer simply for going about its business finding food. I know some really ARE a nuisance and need to be killed for our own sake, but we can kill humanely. We do not have to inflict suffering. The intention to do so says nothing about the creature and everything about the person.

God bless every creature, including humans, who suffers and/or fallen victim to any one else’s suffering. Which, lets face it, is probably most.

Silver linings

/ sarahlissyjenkins / 2 Comments

It’s been a very painful few weeks but I am very grateful for the silver linings that have emerged as a result of my son’s hospitalisation. Whilst it’s been very far from ideal, my son has been calmer than he has in a while, a combination of the right medication plus 24/7 carers who he responds well to and a room and bathroom of his own (albeit off a busy ward). I am also grateful for all the professionals who have worked so hard to find a better solution for my lovely boy while not dehumanising him for the difficulties he has that led to being in hospital in the first place. He has a new placement in the autumn but it’s still a building site, so we have to wait. In the meantime he has a temporary arrangement in his previous home with the support of 24/7 carers. He should be discharged early next week.

Other relatives sadly chose not to visit, which meant me going every other day to do his washing and bring him food (he was not eating any of the hospital food). I wish others had shown their presence to my son, but I am grateful for the opportunity to really be a mother to him for the first time in many years, probably since my health forced me to give him to his father full time. My visits were positive. We bonded for the first time in a few years. He was pleased to see me and at one point lay his legs across my lap. I can’t put in words how much this all means. It has helped heal my fragile heart from all the pain of parenting, the loss and struggle of bringing him up, the feelings of disconnection that arose from only seeing him once a week and having to get past the obstacles of his dad and grandmother who often made it hard for me to visit. Moreover, it was a relief after the pain of visiting him in the assisted living accommodation where he wanted me to leave as soon as I arrived. Now I know this wasn’t personal but a reaction to his frustration and pain at living in an environment which felt out of control and that he couldn’t cope with.

I am so grateful to God/the Divine for all these silver linings in such an awful situation. I just hope and pray that my son’s discharge goes well and he thrives during the temporary placement and when he goes to the new one in the autumn.

Sacred beauty of Oludeniz, Turkey

/ sarahlissyjenkins / 2 Comments

In the midst of everything recently I managed to get away to Turkey for a few days. It was the first trip abroad in 8 years and I found myself awed by the beauty of the landscape. It really was stunning. And hot! Most days were over 30 degrees, with the exception of the final day which was 29. I spent most of my days reading on the beach and by the hotel pool.. I also found joy in exploring the local shops which were full of quirky handmade gifts, many from the Hindu tradition. The art and culture reflected the sacred beauty in everything around me and reminded me that it does not matter what name we give God or which tradition we follow – the Divine is life itself in all its creative forms.

My suffering and the story of Jesus

/ sarahlissyjenkins / 8 Comments

The story of Jesus reminds me that suffering doesn’t have to separate us from God or mean that we have failed, it brings God to us, right here, right now, suffering with us and for us and AS us.

I haven’t posted for some weeks because I’ve had so much going on, some good, some bad, mainly bad. I went abroad for a few days to Turkey, something I’d wanted to do in many years but been too unwell. It wasn’t easy but with special assistance booked and a mobility scooter hired I managed it and feel very happy that I did.

Unfortunately, I knew in advance it was a risky time to go away with everything going on with my son but it was booked ages ago and the only time my friend and her family could make it, so I took the chance. The last night there I heard that my son had been hospitalised due to unmanageable behaviour and his grandmother was no longer capable of having him. The previous assisted living staff did all they could but are no longer involved. My son remains in hospital. There is now a new care agency supporting him there, but no accommodation for him to be moved into. There is no medical need for him to be in hospital and no clinical need for mental health sectioning. Whilst the professionals involved are trying hard to find accommodation, there is nothing.

I can’t put into words the pain of thinking of my son in hospital and exactly what happened when he got there. Sometimes pain is beyond anything I could say. All I can do is have faith that something will work out for him. He DOES have a placement to go to in the autumn but it’s currently a building site and won’t be ready until September at least. This is something to be thankful for despite the wait. The problem is finding somewhere for him in the meantime.

For a lot of my life I’ve believed that suffering separates us from God/The Divine – that if I’m experiencing ‘negative’ emotions, something is wrong and I’m not feeling God’s peace. It is true that when we become still, we feel the peace that passes understanding – that goes beyond the mind. We leave behind our troublesome thoughts and experience what is always present. But God is there in the suffering too. Regardless of what one believes about the story of Jesus – fact, fiction or myth – its point is that God isn’t apart from this world, he entered into it willingly, showing us that through his creation we are all part of him and never alone.

The symbolism of the cross and the entire crucifixion is the state of being crucified between Heaven and Earth – not fully human or Divine, but a bit of both – and existing in that space, neither here nor there. It’s a tough place to be once one fully realises it. I feel lost in this world, devastated by my suffering, my son’s suffering – neither of us belonging here or anywhere; myself longing for my spiritual home to the point nothing motivates me here but the need to become fully immersed in God. This is why the religion of my childhood – Christianity – draws me in – its a faith of love and suffering and promise of resurrection – what some may call a new state of consciousness, a living with Christ, in whatever form that takes.

I’m holding onto that faith. Right now it’s all I can do.