A dream of my son

Many years ago when my son was 9 years old I had a dream that I have never forgotten. He was talking to someone about me and told them his mother was beautiful and still a teenager. (My son has been more or less non verbal since birth.) I was so excited (within the dream) about this that I started telling a group of people that my son had actually talked to me! I told them ‘it was real, it wasn’t a dream, I’d know if it was a dream’ Then a powerful wind started to blow me off my chair and I held onto a person next to me as the energy swept me almost completely into the air. At this point I woke up to the sensation of energy pouring down my head and arms like water. I had been attuned to reiki a couple of years earlier and believed that was what it was.

I’ve had many amazing dreams in my life but this one really stands out. I’ve never had one like it before or since. My son has never talked and most likely never will, beyond a few words. I’ve grieved a true connection with him my entire life. Around the time when he was 9 years old, I was profoundly depressed, so some may say the dream was wish fulfilment, something I desperately wanted so I concocted in my mind in the form of a dream. But I knew it wasn’t. There was something sublime about it, reinforced by Divine energy surrounding me both in the dream and on waking. I think it was showing me that this life has a purpose, as painful as the situation is.

I wasn’t a teenager when I had my son, never mind when he was 9! But I think the dream meant that developmentally I was still learning, still growing, still evolving. I was a soul on a journey and I was nowhere near maturity, but I was developing in my own time and way. It’s interesting that my dream refers to the notion of dreams and reality – what are they? I remember feeling so strange in the dream as the energy began to lift me up, as if it none of it was real – but what? Did I mean my dream reality or the waking world? Is there even a distinction? I said ‘I don’t feel real’ right before I re-joined the world of the awake – did I simply know I was dreaming, or did it point to something more profound: that none of this is real but the expression of Divine energy? Even my son talking in the dream may not have been real but another expression of the energy manifesting in a form I wished to see, needed to see. In that sense, maybe it actually was wish-fulfilment, but for a deeper purpose; to enable me to remember what life really is and connect with it, allow myself to immerse in it, know myself as it.

As I look about me, I am often filled with such intense grief that I have not had the opportunity to connect with my child in the way I always wished, and now, at age 43 with a chronic illness, the odds are that I never will. It is easy for another to say ‘make the best of life as it is’ but far harder to do, especially when I have craved connection all my life. In some respects I don’t even want another child, I don’t have the energy for it anymore, but I wish life had been different. Sometimes this wish consumes me. I will never be a grandmother, nor get to share memories with my son, look at photographs. Little things like that hurt massively.

It is a complicated grief because my son hasn’t left this Earth, he is very much alive. Yet I still feel the loss of him immensely. I feel the loss of everything we didn’t have and never will. I miss what could have been. What does one even do with this? It’s not something that goes away. So I remember the dream that brought me some level of comfort. Hearing him talk within it is something I can never forget. I am so grateful for that. And he acknowledged me; he said I was beautiful. That touches my heart. I doubt I will have another dream like it but I pray it stays with me and I will understand it’s true meaning for my life.

10 thoughts on “A dream of my son

  1. I sincerely doubt that was ‘just a dream’. In my opinion, if the dream felt tangible and extremely life-like, you were probably astral traveling or in a different dimension to the one Inhabited by the physical. I do believe that our conciousness ( which is not local to the brain) continues when our physical form expires. It is just rehoused so to speak in another type of body ( light body) that we can’t perceive in our limited perception of the visible spectrum of light frequencies
    .
    This is also possible at times when we’re are in physical form. The most common expression of this is during dream states, not all of the time, just sometimes like I mentioned above… Other times our dream state can be impressed upon by beings who naturally inhabit these higher frequencies and dimensions angelics and the like.

    This is doing to help and guide us throughout our lives. It’s possible that your son and your ‘spirits’ were actually interacting in a non-physical plane of existence. Any number of these scenarios may be true.

    Have time ever tried to communicate to your son mentally or set the intention to communicate in this manner manner again? Even just to ask for help and guidance with this or to all whyv this life experience was chosen for you both can be very illuminatiing and reveal answers..

    Finally get you ever sought out help from a spiritual practitioner who has experience with children on the spectrum of perhaps an intuitive or Mental medium who may be able too being forth information from so called guides if either your son or you who can provide some answers?

    I haad an interview with a lovely mental medium who has written a book about intuitive children on the spectrum..

    I think you’ve tried everything else so what would you get to lose by potentially having an open mind about some of these suggestions?

    Hope your helps, sending light and healing to you!

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    • Thank you for your comment. You’ve given me much food for thought. My son is an adult now and I don’t see him so much but I may well consider trying to find a medium in the future. I do feel that the dream was pointing at a spiritual understanding of the situation we’re both in, especially as it was incredibly difficult at the time. Thank you x

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  2. There simply aren’t words for that kind of loss. My heart hurts for you, but hopes that in the next whatever, there is healing of that loss. My mother and I could never really connect, but after she died, I experienced a very vivid sense of her presence and her love and understanding across our differences. I believe in the next life whatever our suffering is, there is healing. When I was waiting in my car for a friend tearing up over my mother’s decade of suffering with Alzheimer’s, something made me get out and go into a small store. As I walked in, there was a stand of greeting cards and one with words in bright colors just jumped out at me. It said, “Earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot heal.” I believe that.

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