How?

I wonder if spiritually minded people are more susceptible to taking responsibility where they perhaps shouldn’t? Sometimes a higher state of awareness is a curse rather than a gift.

A male friend and I have been spending more time together and have decided to move our relationship beyond what it had been preciously, at least for a number of years. The problem is, on doing so, we’ve realised his health is worsening and it may not be the right thing for him.

I feel immensely guilty. If I hadn’t brought the issue up, we’d still be friends and his health would be stable. It was my need for something more that caused the problem in the first place. If his issues result in his death, it would be my fault, no less.

At least, that is where my mind is going.

Life can be so darn hard. I wish I was less sensitive, less reflective, less aware. I would have a far easier time. I wouldn’t care about the impact of my decisions on anyone else. But I do care. I care too much. I always think I’ve gone wrong somewhere and that I’m dragging others along the faulty path with me.

That is my life in a nutshell.

I wish someone would come along and tell me that I never did anything wrong. I wish God, or the spirit within, could tell me that I’m fine, I’m not hurting anyone else, I never did. But I feel as if I am. I feel as if my choices have caused so much wrong.

My biggest desire is for the Creator of the universe to turn around and say ‘My dear, you never did ANYTHING wrong.’ But that will never happen because it’s all down to me to believe that and hope that and trust that, and I can’t right now.

I’m genuinely scared that my choices will cause my friend to die. I know he has free will too. And every right to exercise it. But I feel the responsibility of my awareness and knowledge that I could – you know – just walk right away from relationships and live a life of solitude. Does God want that? I truly don’t know. Are my human desires wrong? Have they always been wrong?

I wonder if I seem too dramatic if I say I don’t know how to live this life. I don’t know how to face the choices I have and their implications. I can’t cope with the pain I feel and see around me. Even a poor catapillar trying so hard to find fresh grass to eat. And then there is my friend who is sick because of my desire to find something more.

How does one do it. This is a real question.

4 thoughts on “How?

  1. I don’t understand how your choices are causing harm to your friend. That’s the first thing. And you don’t have to tell me either.
    We cannot live a life that had no meaning or bearing on anyone else. Nobody can do that. We are stones tossed into a lake and our ripples affect everyone around us whether we want them to or not. Some people are not good for one another and then that is up to the humans involved to have a chat and see if they would be better off apart. You are having a one sided conversation and beating yourself up on this issue. Perhaps it would be better to ask this friend whether he thinks your impact on his life is detrimental.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I hear your pain, guilt and remorse. And….like the above comment, I can’t see how your friend’s choice to deepen your relationship resulted in his health getting worse. If he chose to get more involved, then that is HIS choice, and if it worsened his condition, then again, it was HIS choice to take that leap with you. I can understand if his health is so precarious that he might choose to just remain friends as he doesn’t have the energy to be involved more deeply with someone. And then you can choose to accept that friendship as it is and look elsewhere for the deeper relationship you desire.

    I have spent so much of my life living with guilt, taking on responsibility for things that aren’t and weren’t my responsibility. I have learned how useless guilt really is and how we made past choices according to our capabilities at the time, so it is time to forgive ourselves and move on. Our past, if we let it, can help us grow and deepen spiritually and emotionally, and we make new choices. Everyone is sovereign and accountable for their own lives. Hope you are feeling more peace now.

    Like

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