transformation

Honouring my experiences and moving forward

/ sarahlissyjenkins / Leave a comment

Today’s tarot spread was another powerful one but I wasn’t surprised. I have a bad cold and felt really unwell yesterday. As is often the case with me, being sick with a virus triggered some powerful emotions that have been festering since Sunday without expression. For some reason my Mother’s Day sadness was determined to cling on and suck all the energy out of me and, true to form, I went down with it. My thoughts took on the theme of existential sadness until the horrible mix of constant sneezing and stagnated grief became unbearable and last night I began to cry so hard that I thought I would die from the grief. Thoughts swirled around my childhood, my son, my health, my life and the inevitable loss of those I love so deeply. In short, I felt the utter despair of someone whose life has been far from ideal. It’s a real grief and I absolutely own it.

But I also know the value of acknowledging and moving past it. Not getting stuck in it. Not making an identity out of it. Not that ‘identity’ or ‘story’ are dirty words: they’re not. People need to tell their story in order to move on. People need to assign themselves an identity when they’ve been brought up having no clue how to relate to themselves or the world. I’m a big believer in embracing every aspect that makes us human. We each need to heal from the world up. There’s no sense in trying to transcend our ‘story’ before actively owning and processing it. It will still eat away at the subconscious, causing massive suffering. All we can do is bring the mind of awareness to our thoughts and emotions wherever we happen to be in the process of healing without trying to escape or cling. Maybe this is the ‘middle way’ that the Buddha talked about.

Anyway, this was my remarkable spread as I asked the now common question: what do I most need to know today?

Card 1: Wheel of Fortune

Card 2: Justice

Card 3: The Moon

Card 4: Judgement

Add-on (end of shuffle): 3 of Pentacles

My tarot teacher likes to call the Wheel of Fortune my stalker card! I have to say it does pop up quite a lot. I believe that in this spread it is pointing to completion. It is reminding me that the phase of my life that I am grieving for is over. I don’t have to get stuck in those old feelings and emotions but let them pass through. Life is in constant flux and change and I am witnessing the end of an era and beginning of something new.

The Justice card has come up a few times too. I wonder if this is pointing to my longing for life to be fair and make sense, which of course it doesn’t. Life was never meant to be fair as otherwise there wouldn’t be the mess that we all see in the news. Earth wasn’t designed to be fair but to provide fertile ground for awakening. If everything happened the way we wanted to we would have no need to awaken to anything more. We would be happy just living our Earthly lives. It had to be this way. But it’s hard to see that when you’re on the receiving end of some pretty unjust circumstances. The card may also remind me that I need to find balance just now. I need to balance my emotions and intellect, listen to my spirit but remain grounded.

And the Moon is deeply relevant too. It is about the subconscious of course, but also about illusions and shadows. It is a reminder that things are not always what they seem. Be willing to see. Be brave enough to take off the shell and be vulnerable. This will pay off. And always trust my intuition.

The Judgement card has now come up several times. This is the card of rebirth, transformation and growth. It is saying: Listen to the call of your spirit. Remember how far you have come. Do not get pulled back into illusions and shadows (Moon) or ideas about how things should be (Justice). Trust your higher self and view your life from a higher state of consciousness. All will be revealed to you. It is interesting that the number of Judgement is 20 and I dreamed last night I was pregnant with two babies (not twins). A co-incidence maybe? Who indeed knows but I suspect not. In any case the zero is always about wholeness and cycles, as seen in the wheel of fortune and Judgment.

The add on card is about my Earthly life and need for connections. It is saying that I can find genuine happiness in other people and this is not to be devalued.

As always, the spread helped me further understand what is going on for me right now and keep me focused on the path, honouring all my experiences along the way without allowing them to stay any longer than they need to.

Last night’s dream: A UFO, rainbow colours, water pipes and a lake

/ sarahlissyjenkins / 3 Comments

Sott.net

Last night’s dream was the most fascinating in quite a while. I was in some sort of building looking out of the window at a wood. Somehow I knew there was a lake beyond but I was scared of it. There was a room to my right containing a large amount of water pipes. I was absolutely terrified of these pipes and didn’t want the door open at all. I asked someone if the pipes would open out into the lake. I was told they probably would. Then it started to rain heavily and I knew the rain and the lake were the same. It was extremely dark. The ceiling began to leak and I looked for a cup to catch the water before realising I’d need something bigger. Then water began to pour down the walls. I looked out of the window only to see a beautiful rainbow. It got closer and I realised it was the shape of a saucer…it was a UFO! I whipped out my phone and started to video it. My mother (I think) walked towards it and I was scared she would be abducted, but soon after she came back and the UFO started to retreat. I videoed the beautiful rainbow moving further away. Then I saw the spirit of a white dog. After this I woke up.

The feelings that overrode this dream were the polar opposites: fear and love. I was scared of the lake and, most of all, the pipes. I do have a fear of water pipes in IRL but nothing like as exaggerated as it was in the dream. I think my fear here works on two levels; psychological and spiritual. I’m feeling emotional overwhelm due to the situation with my son, represented by the water pouring through the ceiling and walls and the sinister pipes, but I’m also scared of my spiritual power and the incredible energy being channelled through me which is represented by the pipes and the lake of my subconscious mind. The rain is deeply cleansing on all levels and as the source of life represents eternity itself.

I’ve been doing a lot of contemplative meditation lately and am aware that the Divine is only found in the moment, in the midst of suffering, not in some far away land when suffering is no more (as much as I wish for that). In meditation, I am often aware of a lot of energy. I can’t explain or label it but it’s there nonetheless. It’s a comforting feeling but also very powerful and disconcerting. I know I can tap into it and the effects would be massive, as indeed it has been in the past after a lot of meditation. I think the pipes behind the door are all the energy I’m keeping in view but scared to fully look at due to what they may unleash from my subconscious. I’m scared of my own power which is always available to me through my connection with the Divine in the moment. The dog may represent the underworld, reinforcing this primal connection to All That Is.

The UFO is even more interesting. Carl Jung believed it was a religious symbol, indicating attainment. Other interpretations suggest a symbol of the universe or the higher self. All of these ideas could be applied here and the beautiful colours suggest spiritual energy is surrounding me and available to me to tap into. And of course all the symbolism of a rainbow can come into play here – hope, transformation, God’s promise after the flood. It’s funny how I videoed it on my phone – I didn’t stay fully present to it, but wanted to hold onto it, place technology between myself and it. That shows some resistance as much as longing, which is part of the theme of being afraid of the power available to me. And of course my mother – or my higher self – wasn’t ‘abducted’ by the UFO; there was a short visit and the UFO went away. I won’t take on more than I am ready to.

I woke up feeling happy and awed. It’s a dream that was full of atmosphere and will stay with me as a comfort as I plough through these tough times.

A dream of eternity

/ sarahlissyjenkins / Leave a comment

Credit @ Sarah Poitras http://www.theglobetrottergp.com

A dream I had last night reminded me most powerfully of the passage of time and the eternal nature of the soul. It showed me a beautiful stretch of countryside with a path where people walked, but as I watched, the scenery and people morphed into new versions of themselves; thick green countryside followed by more trees and cottages and then, finally, the entire landscape became a stretch of water, rather like a canal. I was a witness to this experience; not involved, but not impartial either.

I believe this was part of the same dream: At the the start, I saw hundreds of cats (yes, cats!) on a wall surrounded by a large stretch of water, I’m guessing an ocean, but I didn’t see it. Someone was trying to move the cats off the wall, presumably scared that they would be swallowed by the vast sea. I can’t remember what happened here or if they went, only this large selection of tabby cats gazing at me.

I believe all my dreams have symbolic meaning. I have studied them enough over the years to be sure of it. It also seems that the more I examine them, the more informative and useful they become. It’s as if my subconscious is saying ‘Okay Sarah, now you’re paying attention!’ So this one, like any other, holds an important message for me.

Clearly, I am witnessing change on an external level – the countryside, the people – all the while realising that the essence of all this isn’t going anywhere. Mankind has made its mark on this planet, for good and bad (mainly bad, perhaps), shown in my dream by the countryside slowly becoming more adapted by people, ending with the canal, which symbolises man’s emotional journey in this incarnation, one that is forged by him/herself and his ego development. By contrast, the ocean, the giver of life, represents the ultimate spiritual reality – our Divinity – which is perfect and awe inspiring and eternal.

And the cats? They symbolise my intuitive connection to my Divine self, which I both crave and resist due to its power. I know and sense I have greater capacity to connect to my true nature. I had Kundalini experiences over a decade ago after a period of intense meditation which blew me away and to be honest scared me as well. I wasn’t ready to receive them. I wish I had been, but it is what it is. I am ready now. I am opening myself up to whatever my Soul needs to hear and feel because I trust it will transform me. I fear being ‘swallowed up’ by the great ocean, but isn’t that just what we all fear on the level of the mind-based personality or ego? We may hold onto our separateness, our identity, because we fear we won’t be anything without them. Correction: the ego is nothing without them. Who we really are – a soul, a Divine spark – is so much more. Intuitively, I know that. Like the cats, I sit on the precipice, not wanting to listen to my rational mind and move away.

Such a beautiful dream that reminds me that while time passes , including the mind-based personality or ego structure, our Divinity does not. I am the Soul, the witness to it all.