Today’s tarot spread was another powerful one but I wasn’t surprised. I have a bad cold and felt really unwell yesterday. As is often the case with me, being sick with a virus triggered some powerful emotions that have been festering since Sunday without expression. For some reason my Mother’s Day sadness was determined to cling on and suck all the energy out of me and, true to form, I went down with it. My thoughts took on the theme of existential sadness until the horrible mix of constant sneezing and stagnated grief became unbearable and last night I began to cry so hard that I thought I would die from the grief. Thoughts swirled around my childhood, my son, my health, my life and the inevitable loss of those I love so deeply. In short, I felt the utter despair of someone whose life has been far from ideal. It’s a real grief and I absolutely own it.

But I also know the value of acknowledging and moving past it. Not getting stuck in it. Not making an identity out of it. Not that ‘identity’ or ‘story’ are dirty words: they’re not. People need to tell their story in order to move on. People need to assign themselves an identity when they’ve been brought up having no clue how to relate to themselves or the world. I’m a big believer in embracing every aspect that makes us human. We each need to heal from the world up. There’s no sense in trying to transcend our ‘story’ before actively owning and processing it. It will still eat away at the subconscious, causing massive suffering. All we can do is bring the mind of awareness to our thoughts and emotions wherever we happen to be in the process of healing without trying to escape or cling. Maybe this is the ‘middle way’ that the Buddha talked about.

Anyway, this was my remarkable spread as I asked the now common question: what do I most need to know today?

Card 1: Wheel of Fortune

Card 2: Justice

Card 3: The Moon

Card 4: Judgement

Add-on (end of shuffle): 3 of Pentacles

My tarot teacher likes to call the Wheel of Fortune my stalker card! I have to say it does pop up quite a lot. I believe that in this spread it is pointing to completion. It is reminding me that the phase of my life that I am grieving for is over. I don’t have to get stuck in those old feelings and emotions but let them pass through. Life is in constant flux and change and I am witnessing the end of an era and beginning of something new.

The Justice card has come up a few times too. I wonder if this is pointing to my longing for life to be fair and make sense, which of course it doesn’t. Life was never meant to be fair as otherwise there wouldn’t be the mess that we all see in the news. Earth wasn’t designed to be fair but to provide fertile ground for awakening. If everything happened the way we wanted to we would have no need to awaken to anything more. We would be happy just living our Earthly lives. It had to be this way. But it’s hard to see that when you’re on the receiving end of some pretty unjust circumstances. The card may also remind me that I need to find balance just now. I need to balance my emotions and intellect, listen to my spirit but remain grounded.

And the Moon is deeply relevant too. It is about the subconscious of course, but also about illusions and shadows. It is a reminder that things are not always what they seem. Be willing to see. Be brave enough to take off the shell and be vulnerable. This will pay off. And always trust my intuition.

The Judgement card has now come up several times. This is the card of rebirth, transformation and growth. It is saying: Listen to the call of your spirit. Remember how far you have come. Do not get pulled back into illusions and shadows (Moon) or ideas about how things should be (Justice). Trust your higher self and view your life from a higher state of consciousness. All will be revealed to you. It is interesting that the number of Judgement is 20 and I dreamed last night I was pregnant with two babies (not twins). A co-incidence maybe? Who indeed knows but I suspect not. In any case the zero is always about wholeness and cycles, as seen in the wheel of fortune and Judgment.

The add on card is about my Earthly life and need for connections. It is saying that I can find genuine happiness in other people and this is not to be devalued.

As always, the spread helped me further understand what is going on for me right now and keep me focused on the path, honouring all my experiences along the way without allowing them to stay any longer than they need to.