It’s okay not to be okay

Someone said this to me very recently in relation to their own process but it stayed with me and today it feels most apt in my own life.

It is Mother’s Day in the UK and it’s always a hard day for me for my only child (now adult in age) has severe autism and has no concept of the day at all. There’s no one to acknowledge I’m a mother apart from myself.

This morning I got up and felt determined to think positively about it. I decided that I didn’t need any such acknowledgement because I’m in touch with my spiritual self and that’s more important than any role or identity on this plane.

But you know what? Those thoughts didn’t feel good. And I realised the reason they didn’t is that I’m not being true to my authentic self. What use is spirituality if it doesn’t encompass everything that makes us human and shine the light of compassion upon all those aspects of our being? I was caught in the trap of trying to find a way out of my own feelings. True healing and growth doesn’t work like that. To transcend our pain and grief we must accept they are there and go deeply into them, not even with the intention to get past them, but to feel them deeply and truly because they are real.

Spirituality is about being real. And the reality is sometimes we are not okay, and that is okay.

Today hurts. It feels terrible that I have a child who, as much as I love him deeply, is not able to recognise that today is Mother’s Day and say ‘I love you Mum’. I know he does love me in his own unique way, but nonetheless it’s painful that he is the way he is and that life turned out the way it did for us both. I feel awful that I didn’t have any more children, albeit it has been the right decision based on my life situation. I even feel guilty that I’m wishing for acknowledgement from others rather than letting it be enough to know deep in my heart that I’m a mother and did what I could for my son. I guess, deep down, it is not enough because everyone wants to feel love from others. Everyone wants to feel valued and appreciated. That is what this day is about after all.

I know I’ll be fine. I know these feelings will pass and I have the strength in my being to sit with them and value them for what they are. I don’t intend to get stuck (which is another trap) but simply acknowledge, this is how I feel today, and move on with hopefully greater compassion for myself and all mothers or would-be-mothers who, for whatever their unique reason, are having a hard time of it today.

Lots of love to you all.

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