I’ve wanted to update my blog for some time, particularly because I never like to stray too far from my inclination to journal my thoughts and feelings and dreams, but somehow life has pulled me in other directions and I’ve been less anchored in my writing. Time for that to change once again.
It’s all mainly positive. I am happy. I never thought I’d openly say that because I’m a melancholic person by my own admission. I’ve lived my life expecting the worst but hoping for the best. I’ve been more than aware that everything is fragile and can change in an instant. I’ve worked hard on loosening attachments and keeping myself centred. I’ve sought to remain mindful of my fleeting thoughts and emotions without denying them when they arise. All of this, while trying to live a pretty crazy and at times horrendously awful human life.
Things ARE changing. I’ve taken steps to improve my life, all the while understanding that none of this defines or touches who I am at the core. I’ve had both my feet operated on, and they look and feel SO much better. I had large bunions inherited from both parents which caused me terrible pain, but now they are gone. I had some sharp stabbing pain in my left foot for a while after surgery but slowly this seems to be dissipating. I am delighted with my ‘new’ feet and can’t wait for the summer for a whole new reason: I can finally wear beautiful sandals and enjoy them without feeling paranoid that everyone is staring at my deformed feet. I am so grateful that I was able to overcome my shame and get my feet done.
My son is still yet to move into his permanent placement, but the absolute nightmare of this year has passed, leaving some anxiety and frustration at the delay but relief that his money is sorted, he likes his carers, and I do not have any contact with his father anymore. He has a car in which his carers take him out, and his quality of life is good. He needs more structure and activity, but once he starts his new life next year, this will happen.
I am returning to driving after 15 years of being too unwell to even contemplate it. I am currently having refresher lessons and will get my own car in the spring or summer. Very exciting!
Last but not least. I have found myself in a relationship with a guy I have known for 16 years! He has always been part of my life, albeit not in any big way, but over the last few months things have developed very organically and it feels totally right. I’ve been on my own for a long time and so has he, so we give each other plenty of space to live our own lives, but we enjoy each other’s company and can’t really imagine otherwise. It feels very easy and comfortable. It doesn’t feel a way to avoid myself but rather learn more about who I am and what I’m here to learn. We are similar in some ways, very different in others, and we have good communication skills and the desire to support each other to be the best we can be. I fully accept that no one knows what the future holds and no other person can complete me; this is yet another experience I am having, the experience of being in a relationship and loving another human being in a romantic way. There are a lot of synchronicities in our lives and I truly believe we were meant to meet, whether for a season or a life time.
I have been experiencing a lot of spiritual dreams lately, or rather dreams that seem especially symbolic in terms of my journey, so I hope to return here very soon and record these and make intuitive sense of them through writing, as I love to do. In the meantime, to anyone reading this, a very Happy New Year 2023 to you! I hope all your wishes come true.